A Biden-Sanders Debate: How I Think It Will Go

From left, Democratic presidential candidates, Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., former Vice President Joe Biden, talks before a Democratic presidential primary debate, Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2020, in Charleston, S.C. (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

Moderator (M): We’re here in sunny Florida for the debate between Senator Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden.  As per the rules of the DNC, questions will be presented by audience members.  Because of the coronavirus, the audience has been limited to nine people.  But first, opening remarks.  Mr. Biden?

Biden: ZZZZZZZZ…. (Sanders nudges him awake). I’m sorry… it is great to be here in the state of Florissippi.  I’m here tonight because I want to be the 17th President of these great United States.

Moderator: Senator Sanders?

Sanders:  In a Sanders administration, there will be no one percent.  We will all be some other percent (applause)

Moderator: OK…some questions.

Person 1: Mr. Biden, how to do you intend to deal with Trump’s inevitable attacks on your son’s dealings in Ukraine?

Biden: Everyone knows that a bunch of malarkey…and you’re full of s***.  Where did you get that?  You listening to Alex Jones, huh?  Listen little girl…I’ll do 20 push ups right now!  You wanna take me on…come on let’s go!

Moderator: Mr. Sanders… would you like to respond?

Sanders: I think I’ll sit this one out.  I seem to have a little indigestion.

Moderator: OK… next question.

Person 2: Senator Sanders… do you think sexism drove Elizabeth Warren out of the race?

Sanders:  Sexism?  No…it was that voice!  Every time anyone heard it, it turned off voters.  And that Klobuchar woman just had no experience.

Moderator: Senator Sanders, she is a Senator from Minnesota.

Sanders:  Oh yeah?  Then how come I never heard of her?

Biden:  This just shows how detached he is from reality.  Come on, man… we’re here to defeat President Polk!

Moderator: Perhaps we should move on.  The next question is for Biden.

Person 3: Do you think your foreign policy experience gives you an advantage over your opponent?

Biden: I’ve stared foreign leaders in the eye and threatened to withhold aid unless they dropped investigations into my family members.  When it comes to dealing with foreign leaders, you need one part diplomacy and one part malarkey.  I’ll be the malarkey president.  (applause)

Person 4: Mr. Sanders…do you think your heart condition is a liability?

Sanders: Absolutely not.  Excuse me…gotta take a nitro capsule…

Person 5: Mr. Biden, what is your plan for healthcare reform?

Biden:  That’s a wonderful question.  That’s a beautiful child you brought here.  Do you mind if I smell her hair?

Person 5: Well…um… I guess not…  (Biden leaves stage and smells the child’s hair)

Biden: I love the smell of baby hair.  Oh look, she’s smiling.  You want to play with the hair on my legs?

Moderator: Mr. Biden, your time has expired… What the heck?  Tulsi Gabbard, who invited you on the stage?

Gabbard: I’m here to say that the fix is in for Biden just as it was in for Hillary in 2016!

Moderator: Oh what is it now?  Hillary Clinton!!!!  Please leave the stage now!

Hillary: No way.  I’m gonna settle it with this Russian agent bitch once and for all!

Biden:  Can I suggest a push up match?  I’ll beat you both right now.

Moderator: Senator Sanders… are you alright?

Sanders:  No…I’m OK…just some indigestion…it takes my breath away some times…just some indigestion…

Hillary:  See what you did, Gabbard?  You gave that old piece of crap a heart attack.

Gabbard:  That’s it!  (She puts Hillary in a choke hold and starts giving her head rubs).  Yeah…that’s what I thought.  Where’s Bill now?

Moderator:  Bill Clinton?  (applause)

Bill:  As much as I like to see two women get in a catfight…a little something I learned from my good friend Jeff…I gotta end this (pulls Tulsi Gabbard off Hillary)

Gabbard:  Did you see that?  He just felt up by breasts!

Bill:  Well, I never grabbed any Hawaiian boobie before.

Moderator: Can we get back to some questions?  (security escorts the Clintons and Gabbard off the stage)  OK… yes, you… the young lady in the second row.

Person 6: Excuse me, but I identify as a man…

Moderator:  Sorry.  Your question?

Person 6: Mr Biden, I want to know what you are going to do for a person like me- a female who identifies as a man?

Biden: In a Biden administration, I will appoint a transgender to my cabinet…and that ain’t no malarkey.

Sanders:  Then he’ll have them feeling the hair on his legs under the desk…

Biden:  I’ve had it with you old man!  I feel like punching you in your face right now!

Moderator:  Please!!!  Next question.

Person 7: This is for Senator Sanders and I’d like to follow up on the previous question.  I’m a man transitioning to female and what will you do for people like me?

Sanders:  Oy! vey!  Who let all the freaks in the room?

Moderator:  Senator Sanders!  The next question is for Biden.  You…in the ninth row?  What’s your question.

Person 8: Yes…thank you.  For the record, I’m not transgender.

Sanders: Thank God!

Person 8: What is your plan for dealing with the coronavirus?

Biden: I’m glad you asked this question which is why I am telling you here tonight that I will ask Corona Virus to be my running mate to take on President Taft in November.  It is long past due we had a Latino Vice President.

Moderator:  Good grief!  Next question for Sanders…

Person 9: How do you intend to pay for all the free stuff you promised?

Sanders:  First of all, if it’s free stuff, you don’t have to pay anything.  It’s free!  It’s basic economics.  But to the extent anything is paid for, I lay out a very detailed plan on my website.  The free, but paid for stuff is only for anyone with the initials BS.  Read the website…it’s all there.

Moderator: Well, we’re out of audience members, so I have the last question.  How do you intend to deal with racism in America.  First, you Senator Sanders…

Sanders: We have to adopt the Vermont model.

Moderator: You mean 99.9% white?

Sanders: Well, I’m not going there, but you don’t see too many race riots in Montpelier or Burlington now, do you?

Moderator:  Mr. Biden?

Biden:  Well, the first thing we gotta do… listen… I like 7-11.  Their Slurpees are second to none. But, you know… I just don’t speak Muslim or Indian or whatever it is they speak at 7-11.  In my area they have this place called Wa-Wa. Not a single Muslim or Indian behind the register. Maybe out in the gas station, but not in the store.  So, to answer your question, I will make sure there is a Wa-Wa every 10 miles.

Moderator:  That’s it for this debate.  Make sure you vote this Tuesday.