Suave welcomes everyone to PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN. Tonight, PCW is at the brand, spanking new Stroh Center on the campus of Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio. He announces that PCW is embarking on a Midwest tour over the next several weeks leading up to the official start of the 2012 PCW CEO season.
Suave states that the first PCW show of the 2012 campaign season would be Drama in Des Moines (Iowa). Next, Manchester Mayhem (NH) in February- Suave is interrupted by Florida House Speaker Dean Cannon. ”I believe January 31st is the right day for Florida’s Tallahassee Tussle.”
New Hampshire’s Secretary of State Bill Gardner comes out and he’s not too happy. “Fine, then in keeping in the tradition of New Hampshire being one of the first to have a show in 2012, Manchester Mayhem is going to take place on January 24th.
Iowa’s State Republican Party Chairman Matt Strawn walks out- he ain’t too happy either. He gruffly announces Iowa’s moving Drama in Des Moines back to Mid-January.
Suave: “Okay. So it looks like the date’s been set and-”
“Wait a second…hold on!” Out walks Chad Connelly, South Carolina GOP Chairman and he’s steaming mad. “Last Friday, a nine-person committee brought chaos to the 2012 calendar. Tonight, South Carolina is making things right. South Carolina Republicans have a 30-year track record of picking the eventual Republican CEO nominee. We will continue that historic tradition on Jan. 21, 2012.”
Suave: “South Carolina moves Columbia Chaos up to January 21st!”
Bill Gardner of NH exhales loudly and gets back on the microphone. He announces that New Hampshire will now hold Manchester Mayhem on January the 14th.
Iowa’s Matt Strawn rolls his eyes and take the microphone from Gardner. “Well, I guess that means we’ll have to move Drama in Des Moines back to early January.”
Suave: “Okay. I think we’ve got it all straightened out now-” Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval then walks out to the great shock of everyone in the building.
Suave: “Oh, oh…”
Sandoval announces that Nevada will have Chaos in Carson City on January 14th. Connelly (SC) immediately objects on the grounds that South Carolina has already named their event Columbia City Chaos. “We named it first.”
Sandoval states that Nevada will keep Chaos in Carson City because it’s going before South Carolina. “Besides, a caucus is not the same as a primary,” Sandoval declares. Connelly tells Sandoval that he’s full of it.
Then Jon Huntsman (R-UT) comes out. He threatens to boycott the Nevada show unless it’s postponed to accommodate the New Hampshire show. Sandoval shrugs. “So?” The squabble continues. Newt Gingrich (R-GA), who’s slowly played his way back into contention, also sharply criticizes Nevada. Sandoval shrugs again. Gingrich waves to the back and a man dressed in all black runs to the ring.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE RIGHT REVEREND RANDY RICHARDSON (R) and the God Squad.!”
Richardson whacks Sandoval in the back and pulls him away from Gingrich. The other Republican contenders show up with their wrestlers and we’ve got a major showdown as PCW heads to a long, overdue commercial…
Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX)
‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) w/’Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Herman Cain (R-GA)
The Right Reverend Randy Richardson (R) w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/’The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA)
Average Joe (Tea Party) w/Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Jamie Walker (R) w/Jon Huntsman (R-UT)
Brad Company (R) w/Rick Santorium (R-PA)
….joined in progress. Average Joe, Walker, and Texas Jack already eliminated.
Rev. Richardson and Scott throw haymakers back and forth on the floor. Jackson and Company are in the ring. Company goes low on Jackson. That brings in the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin. Company sees her and swings. Martin slides to the mat and propels her feet straight up into Company’s groin.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Company drops to his knees and covers his balls. Martin drags Company over to the ropes and drapes him over the second one. Jackson grabs two ropes and swings out and around 270 degrees to hit the head of Company with two feet.
Suave: “9-9-9! 9-9-9! Jackson just debuted his new finisher- the 9-9-9!”
Company’s done and gets pinned by Jackson. Brad Company eliminated.
The referee turns to Scott and Rev. Richardson and they’re no where to be found. Then on the screen, Scott and Richardson turn up in the crowd. They start back towards the ring and get jumped by Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-IL)???
Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”
Triple J blasts both Scott and Richardson in the back with a 2 x 4 and knocks them out. Then, ironically, Jackson Jr. has a microphone in hand and right out of the block calls the Republicans ‘in rebellion’ for their opposition to PCW CEO Barack Obama’s (D-IL) policies. “While Republicans, in co-hoots with the racist Tea Party, are determined to destroy PCW, CEO Obama still has an obligation to rule…wait, did I say rule? I mean, govern.”
Suave incredulously muses that Triple J wants PCW CEO Obama to “declare a national emergency” and use “extra-constitutional” measures to create jobs? As a representative of the PCW Competition Committee, you don’t give up when you hit a roadblock and throw all the rules out the window — you keep working to get something done.
Herman Cain races over and tackles Triple J. Richardson gets up first and pulls out the brass knuckles. He tries to knocks out Scott! Tessa Martin to the floor. PIZZA CUTTER TO RICHARDSON. Scott makes the cover on the floor 1….2…3!!!! The Right Reverend Randy Richardson is eliminated.
Scott back to the ring. He slaps on the American Stars and Fuji-Armbar on Jackson and he’s in trouble. Jackson reverses and covers. 1…2…no! Scott rolls Jackson back over and covers…1…2…Jackson kicks out and grabs a chair. Chairshot to Scott sends him over the middle rope. Jackson hits the 9-9-9! Cover…1…2…3.
WINNER: ‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) @ 33:12
Suave calls it Josh Jackson’s biggest win in PCW and pronounces Herman Cain (R-GA) a legitimate threat for PCW CEO.
…Hour 2 to come…