What an inspiring, well-delivered articulation of Jimmy Carter’s policies. Obama continues to impress with his ability to make college kids and celebrities weep with eloquent references to socialist and populist policies that they think the rest of America will embrace now that they have a handsome, charismatic “framer” for their ideas.

And let’s not forget the media – they were cheering just as loudly as the teenie-boppers. Oh, I’m sure we’ll see them shouting and clapping during John McCain’s acceptance speech as well. They are, after all, professional journalists. (Wait…no, I wouldn’t start holding your breath just yet). For those who couldn’t bear to listen to his drivel, continuously interupted by his adoring worshippers, the gist of his speech was as follows:

“Tired of paying a lot for gas? Don’t want to continue paying your mortgage? Sick of having to pay for the best healthcare system in the world? Angry about corporations making a profit? Sick of people trying to limit your right to use abortion as birth-control? Don’t have the stomach to finish a war against evil?

Well, just elect me and it’ll all go away! I am, after all, the messiah. See how inspiring my voice sounds when I say everything really loud? It doesn’t matter how I plan to accomplish any of this. We all know the government can solve all of these problems for us. It won’t even really affect most of you out there tonight. Most of you either don’t pay any taxes at all, or are rich enough that the highest tax increase in history wouldn’t even make a dent. The only people we’ll stick it to are small business owners and people who work for a living – and they’re all Republicans anyway!

So, vote for me and we’ll all return to the days of Jimmy Carter! Oh, and McCain sucks and is really just George Bush in a whiter, cancer-ridden costume…seriously.

YESWECAAAAN!”

Red’s Rightings