Mystical polling genius Sate Nilver has obtained Romney campaign internal polling, signed a non-disclosure agreement, utilized a magical, mystical, sophisticated statistical analysis system (known to some colloquially as “Microsoft Excel”), and has uncovered that Romney is up in Ohio, and dead even in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.
Nilver immediately disclosed these findings to the media, particularly the Daily Mail because, claims Nilver, they are the paper “most like the Daily Prophet in Harry Potter.” Nilver claimed that he was not violating the non-disclosure because that “is a double negative, thus a positive. And anything positive is OK . . . so its all good.” Nilver was given a pass as it is generally accepted he is a wizard and can turn anyone into a Newt (Gingrich) at will.
“Its good to get some ‘revenge,’ as our POTUS recently put it,” commented Nilver. “I was getting really tired of that false profit Nate Silver getting credit for some lucky incantation he made four years ago. Abrra Caddabra wookeity wookeity Walla Walla Washington . . . ”
If that’s true, I think we know what we’ve all got. It starts with an “Doo” and ends with an “oom.” Here’s hoping this finally buries the myth of Democratic suicide counselor and conjurer of spells Nate Silver.
(P.S. The Pollster is Neil Newhouse, not ‘Sate Nilver’ in case you didn’t pick up on that. I think “Neil Newhouse” is an excellent foil for Nate Silver. Neil Newhouse pwns Nate Silver.)
(P.P.S. I don’t know why “Neil Newhouse” versus “Nate Silver” entertains me so, but it does. Probably says a lot about my intellectual level.)