From my friends at the Patriot Alliance:
Congressional Abstinence Program
Dear Republicans of the Congress,
The “Debt Deal” many of you struck with the President and the Democrats in Congress last August turns out to be the fiscal and economic mess we warned you it would be. You were blamed at that time by the media and both sides of the political spectrum for the insane structure of the deal. That was not unfair criticism. You went in unprepared, never defended yourself, and then you caved.
The looming fiscal cliff and associated tax increases have landed you back into a situation that is dangerous for your careers, and more importantly for the country’s fiscal and economic health. Never fear, the grassroots are here to help you.
First we would like to remind you that there are two meanings of “Congress.” It is apparent that you are prone to blur the lines of distinction:
1) (initial capital letter) – The national legislative body of the U.S., consisting of the Senate, or upper house, and the House of Representatives, or lower house, as a continuous institution.
2) – The act of coming together, an encounter, a meeting, sexual intercourse.
That last descriptive in the second definition captures the essence of the problem. The American People are tired of being on the receiving end of one booty call after another from their Congress. From now on, it’s going to be an equal partnership of shared responsibility, and mutual satisfaction or we’re cutting you off. We have a headache.
Toward that end, we request that each of you pledge to honor a Congressional Abstinence Program or CAP. The purpose of the CAP will be to not only prevent outbreaks of Congressional STD (Spending & Taxation Disorder), which can cause Electile Dysfunction (dissatisfied constituents that cause primary election losses), but also to prevent the American Taxpayers from being victims of unwanted reproduction of government programs, which are the only form of conception the Democrats are unwilling to terminate.
To join the Congressional Abstinence Program, Republicans must pledge not to vote for any deals that GOP leadership or the President may concoct to “solve” the fiscal crisis, if they involve raising taxes or increasing spending, or most of all they do not include a binding budget. And we’re talking about a real budget with real numbers like those that most households and private businesses use in their own financial planning. When the Federal Government does not budget, it makes it more difficult for states, private businesses and households to budget. Such a situation complicates investment decisions, which negatively impacts job creation, which negatively impacts tax base. Most importantly, baseline budgeting must end. It is high risk gateway activity which leads to the worst possible STDs.
The CAP program will also prevent an epidemic of Republican Moderitis from spreading throughout the Caucus during consensual Congressional activity. Any Member found to have contracted this disease will be quarantined for the duration of their term. In other words, no meet and greets, no campaign events, and no donations will be coming your way until after the primary elections of 2014, if ever again. When another Member asks you to engage in behavior which compromises your principles, you can explain that you are in the CAP program and are a committed, Constitutional Conservative in a monogamous relationship with your constituents, who expect you to save the nation from fiscal and economic collapse.
And now, for the most important part of the CAP program: During the upcoming Lame Duck session, we urge Republicans to vote “Present” for all fiscal, economic, and/or monetary issues which increase the national debt, deficit, or taxes, or which are not included as part of a balanced budget agreement.
The overriding benefit of this plan is that the Democrats and the President will OWN this economy. After all, for the first two years of his administration, President Obama had a Democrat House and a filibuster proof Democrat Senate. He got everything he wanted to fix what ailed the country, exactly the way he wanted it, in some cases without a single Republican vote. This really IS the Obama economy. Somehow, despite a billion dollars of campaign spending, the Romney campaign failed to make that salient point.
So now the task of ensuring the American people understand who is responsible for our current fiscal and economic mess falls to you, the Republican House Caucus. You will be asked to vote to increase taxes, increase spending, and raise the debt ceiling, without a binding budget. If you vote “Yes,” you have your hands on the proverbial wheel of car as it goes over the cliff. If you vote “No” you will be branded as obstructionists. Thus, Abstinence is the only protection from the worst possible result of all. It is a bad thing for the economy to go over the cliff; it is worse for Conservatism to go over the cliff with it.
We hope you will take this plan seriously. Both the nation and your career in politics are at risk. The CAP program will prevent your voters from feeling like they have been seduced into voting for you only to find out your intentions were not honorable.
The Patriot Alliance