Well, the time has come. After the first of the year, 40 watt and 60 watt incandescent bulbs are no more. After the big glittery light bulb descends on Times Square to mark the end of the year and usher in a new one, the globe will be taken, I suppose, to an empty lot nearby where Chief Nanny Bloomberg will be joined by Al Gore, Chisty Todd Whitman and Ralph Nader. They will smash the globe into a million energy-wasting pieces so it can be carted off and safely disposed of, somehow. This energy-saving, environmentally-friendly ban is the product of that closet enviro prez, the One Who Shall Not Be Named (because Iraq, national indebtedness and all manner of evil is due to him). TOWSNBN signed the ban in 2007 and its full effects are now ready to usher in all manner of goodness in 2014.
Now I know some of you still don’t understand that this ban will save you money (according to the best estimate of Really Expert People, you will save upwards of a half million dollars a month by not using incandescent bulbs) and the environment will thank you (a Happy Birthday card will be sent to you by Mother Nature). But this is just the beginning. In our continuing efforts to build a more just and green society, we have other initiatives that will be unveiled in 2014 that will relieve consumers of those onerous and exhausting choices they have to make when trying to decide what to buy, what to eat or how to live.
First, Broccoli Mondays. Every Monday, the only food available will be Broccoli. No one likes Mondays, no one likes Broccoli (those who say they do are trying to impress their doctors, their dates or the Food Police, who have one of their reps at every holiday party) and so the match is perfect. Since you lack sufficient brain cells to know that your diet is killing you, the FDA is going to help you think correct thoughts and You Will Learn to Love It.
Second, a new ban on SUV’s will be issued. You will see a new advertising campaign beginning with the Super Bowl. The campaign will feature beloved stars, like Joan Rivers, as drivers of SUVs, running down helpless kittens and homeless beggars. The slogan “SUV’s, Killer Cars” will be emphasized and after the campaign starts clicking, the ban will take effect. Only small cars will be legal (and only a government owned car company will be permitted to build them) but in order to maintain the profit, the smaller cars, henceforth known officially as Clown Cars, will cost as much as the larger Killer Cars. SUV’s traded in will become part of the government fleet and high ranking politicians and regulators will bear the burden of having to ride in and drive them.
Third, too many people are buying big TV’s. Like SUV’s and light bulbs, they use too much energy and so no TV can be sold that is larger than 12 inches. Larger ones are wasteful, according to GETDOWN (Government Energy Trust Determining Our World’s Needs) decision. The smaller screens will force you to sit nearer each other to see the screen but the closeness will encourage community, build communication (“hey, who didn’t use deodorant today?”) and promote the spirit of civic activism (during commercials, discuss what neighbors need to reported for wasteful consumption to the EPA). The old TV’s, of course, will be the responsibility of the government employee who lives nearest you; just take it to him or her and leave it there. After he or she checks it out to be sure it is safe for disposal it will be taken care of.
It will be a wonderful world, folks, free of all those nasty and confusing decisions we have to make. Peace, love and a yogurt parfait await us.