Hi, I’m James Patterson. No, not the author James Patterson—I’m the chef James Patterson. I used to work at Juevos Locos, in a little town called Petticoat, Oregon. That was until the town decided I was too white to flaunt their Flautas. Yeah, I was ousted in a coup-de-no-gracias.

I was well-behaved, studied the cuisine, and even went overboard with my ethnic pronunciations of enchilada and cilantro.  However, it was no-es-bueno for me. Okay, I’ll dispense with the cute ethnic quips. I’m PISSED OFF.

The lefties are always yelling about equality and color-blind behavior. Does demanding a corresponding ethnicity from chefs to their menus sound like equality to you?  Sounds like racial purification to me. I for one can’t follow their PC rules any more. Which is it lefties, racial equality, or racial purity? My guess is the best way to promote real racial harmony is to stop dictating which race should be doing what—but what do I know? I’m just a chef—a chef being maligned for color of his skin.

When they started questioning my ethnicity and asking if I really had the soul to serve these “dishes of struggle”, I was worried at first. Then, after a while I saw the handwriting on the wall and got angry. I felt myself wanting to force some of my traditional food onto the menu. I tried to sneak in some tuna fish & mayo on white bread, Sloppy Joes, and even my grandma’s home made Mac & Cheese. Nope. The frigging PC squad busted me again and warned that I was about to outed publicly as a food-racist, and that adding my “oppressive culture” to the menu would be “like a food lynching”.

I wanted food togetherness! I wanted variety! And speaking of variety, how many ways can you layer beans, cheese, salsa and tortillas? I mean come on! Isn’t all the same crap rearranged into different shapes? —— I’m sorry, that was insensitive, but damn it, I like all types of food and people! Is that such a horrible thing?

The lefties are freaking out saying that it’s a crime if  whitey makes a burrito, well hell, just down the street there’s Rocco’s Pizza Place, and guess who’s in that kitchen?  It ain’t the cast of The Sopranos making those pies, let me tell ya. It’s the same guys that quit here just a few months ago!

And what about Gus’s Greek Diner around the corner? It ain’t Zorba serving that Souvlaki, it’s Ramon Hernandez, the same guy that owns and operates Ralph’s Hot Dog Truck, on the weekends. Ramon/Ralph doesn’t offer any salsa or jalapeños on that truck either.

So, here it is; after eight years of serving up some fine Mexican food, I get booted for the color of my skin as opposed to my Yelp rating. I’m disgusted with what’s happening to my profession and my country.

Dear restaurant/diner owners: Anybody need a chef that fires up some mean Sloppy Joes?