Are you a powerful man scared to Jockey-staining proportions that you might be rounded up in a sexual harassment and assault “witch hunt” that could cost you your career, marriage, and future in politics? Are you one of the few horrific offenders that makes everybody give the side eye to the wealthy and well appointed? Well, I’m here to help you, buddy!
Yes, my eight step program is guaranteed to render you completely free of scandal and repercussions. You might actually gain the respect and admiration of your peers to boot! Can you imagine? People may actually trust you. They may even, dare we dream it, enjoy your company.
Let’s waste no more of your important powerful man time with preamble. Follow these simple steps, and people will be singing your virtuous praises for generations to come.
Do not send pictures of your junk to anyone who doesn’t request them. I know this is super hard for you, because you enjoy looking at pictures of ladies’ junk, and you figure ladies want to look at your junk, too. They don’t. Have you seen your junk? It’s like a naked mole rat laid eggs in a nest of sadness. To that point, be suspicious of any “lady” asking for pictures of your junk. It’s probably a male journalist trying to get a scoop. Just don’t photograph your junk, ever.
Do not randomly show your junk to anybody. I know you feel like your employees may be extra curious about your junk, especially since they do not currently have pictures of it to view, but this is not something they care to see. When they look at you with fear, they are not thinking “Why hasn’t Chuck shown me his junk?” They are thinking “I really hope Chuck doesn’t fire me because I can’t make rent this month and I will be paying off my student loans until my grandkids are enrolling in college.”
Do not touch the bodies of people who work for you or with you. Believe it or not, women do not enjoy having their behinds patted by their bosses. I know it’s weird, because quarterbacks and receivers do this sort of thing all the time. But you are not Gronk and she is not Tom Brady. She is a person you are completing a task with, not a pass.
Do not jokingly pretend to grope people who work for you or with you. No, it’s not funny. I don’t care if your brother thought it would be a hilarious holiday party photo. She is not a wax figure in a museum or one of those novelty cut outs at the fair. She’s a person, with family and friends who could see your photos or behavior. She will forever be wondering what your intent is, instead of how to best complete the tasks before the both of you.
Do not tell people who work for you that you’d like to sleep with them. I know, seems counterintuitive, right? You want to speak your truth and live your best life, but you can’t tell broads you’d like to bang them. Well, this is because they are trying to work. I know you would like for broads to interrupt your work day with constant demands to sleep with you, but even you would eventually need to get something else done.
Do not discuss anything with a coworker or employee that you wouldn’t want your wife to hear. If you think your wife would be annoyed that you have a boob-shaped stress relief ball on your desk, or that you keep asking your employees what cup size they have, or that you can grab ladies wherever you like, then you should stop doing that.
Do not date children. Children can’t consent, period. And if you’re going to argue and say that a girl who is 17 years and 364 days old is not really a child, the law begs to differ. You’re not above the law, are you? Well, are ya, Roy?
Try incredibly super hard to think of women as people. This is so difficult, because women are soft and pleasant smelling and made of smiles and fear, but they are actually humans who are at work to work. They were excited when they got this job, not because you are such a picture of virility and raw sex appeal, but because you commanded the respect of your peers and seemed to be doing great things.
Now she has learned that you’re just a disgusting Neanderthal. The respect is gone. Now she just wants to throw up every time she sees you. She no longer thinks she’s on a mission to improve the lot of your constituents or make an amazing movie or whatever it is you have the power to do.
Now you’re just gross and nobody wants to work with you. If you want to fix it, start immediately asking yourself what Jesus would want you to do. And then do that. And whatever sanctions Congress/the Academy throws your way.