Standing in front of a portable restroom on the Hill today, Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a news conference to roll out the Jiffy John Juvi-reJuvenation or J-4 effort, which received $1.2 million from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, or ARRA, and matching contributions through George Soros’ ?Wide-Open Society Institute.?

According to previous press releases, Americans can now expect a Jiffy John on every street corner within a public school’s 10 mile radius.

Unlike the photo in the press release, Jiffy Johns will not have doors on them, in keeping with Soros’ Wide-Open initiatives.

J-4 is also partnering with GOOD Magazine’s Food Revolution school food program, a pilot program designed to send out leftist, progressive propaganda embedded in its magazine to encourage vendors to provide healthful meals to school children.

Although Pelosi tried to pass the idea off as her own at today’s press conference, J-4 is the brainchild of Michelle Obama, who wasn’t present at the news conference, but who recently touted to a local DC-NCAAP group ?We’re advocating a dietary, non-beet cleanses in every school.?

Pelosi briefly mentioned J-4 and colonic cleansing is advocated by First Lady Michelle Obama..

?Because of the demand for services we’re anticipating in the pre-pre-K kids on up,? explained Pelosi, ?this is really American innovation at its finest. Once we get universal pre-pre-K underway, well.. you can imagine. Some of those children will still be in training pants. With GOOD’s tasteless-but-colonic cleansing, revolutionary school food we’ll shoving down their throats — in the tradition of what we’ve done to their parents — for once, we’re thinking ahead. Especially about emergencies and all those soiled diapers. We’d like to save Moms a little heartache…. I’d like to add at this time, in appreciation, we’ll be sending the first Jiffy John .. standing behind me, in fact .. to GOOD’s former Associate Publisher, Al Gore III. We haven’t heard from himsince 2007. We think he’s still in the clink.?

Ms. Pelosi also stated she anticipated the J-4 effort to expand to every city block in the nation by 2014.

Added Pelosi, ?You’ll have to keep us in Congress, first, though. Today, we’re rolling them out, one right after the other, like crap through a goose. Tomorrow, the Jiffy John will come to represent this Democratic Congress’s effort and the true American government spirit of flushing taxpayer dollars down a toilet, a truly noble spending endeavor.?

When questioned about her peculiar word choice by invoking the words of a famous, conservative hero, Ms. Pelosi answered, ?It’s time to join forces. This is a bi-partisan effort to clandestinely reach out to parents through their children everywhere, in every neighborhood. We keep saying we need conservative crap too. It’s time to live by that standard. .. Give it to me.?

?Rolled out? with the J-4 effort is the Organic Farm Appropriation Reform sTrategerys, or O-FARTs.

O-FARTs is an off-shoot of President Obama’s Global Change Initiative included in the United States’ Strategy for Meeting the Millennium Development Goals, or USSMMD released in July 2010.

The Global Change Initiative is a partnering of the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, the Department of Energy, the State Department, the EPA and other groups.

According to the Pelosi, organic farming through O-FARTs and J-4 will offset some of ?our fair share of approaching $30 billion in international climate finance over the 2010 to 2012 period? as noted in the USSMMD.

She repeated, verbatim off Teleprompter, whom she borrowed while the President vacations in Spain, ?J-4 and O-FARTs will .. uh.. tilt it up, please ..This .. will also place the United States on a trajectory to meet our long-term Copenhagen commitment to jointly mobilize $100 billion per year in public and private sources by 2020 in the context of meaningful mitigation actions and transparency from developing countries. ..End script… oh! Heh-heh.?

When pressed about the misuse of the ?T? in O-FARTs, Pelosi replied, ?We can’t spell. Haven’t you heard? We don’t read, either. But, Organic Farm Appropriation Reform sTrategerys, or O-FARTs. is is the best we could come up with, believe me. We would like Americans everywhere to note, that in the spirit of bi-partisanship, ?sTrategery? is a loving tribute to former President Bush, since you know we progressives blame him for all this sh*t.?

To a nearby aide, she added, ?We were going to use ?Obama? for the ?O,? too, but you know how ‘the people’ think. Dirty SOBs.?

In anticipation of today’s media event, White House officials released the following statement:

?O-FARTs is an historic move to unprecedentedly combine efforts to save stolen taxpayer money. This Pretty Original and Organic, or POO move, will combine federal resources and drastically reduce the need for future, inexplicable and embedded tax hikes by literally recycling waste.

Literally.

Thanks to the Jiffy Johns and the J-4 effort, we’ll be collecting countless kilotons of crap for commie recycling.

Based on our experiences with BP, we now know there are innovators and inventors out there. We know this from the time we tried to kill the media surrounding our miserable control over the situation ? back when we tried to funneled any and all web traffic to our federally controlled sites.

Through our ?Submit a Technology? link, we were able to harvest and steal countless ideas. They are in development now through NASA, where we are currently recruiting new innovators, if they’re non-American, to develop this new technology.

Thanks to the POO effort, we expect to lower federal government’s need for taxpayer dollars, passed off as government income, for proposed federal loans for local, greenie energy and proposed organic argriculture subsidies. This is spreading some of your POO around at its best.

Part of saved or created income will be directed toward Dirty Fuel internships throughout the DC Metropolitan area, so we can quickly figure out how this sh*t works.

Once our interns sign their pathetic, slavish, work-for-free lives away (which we understand sounds rather historically communist and kind of non-precedential), we know we can count on Congress to pass related Organ Donation Reformlegislation once our interns pass out dead from overwork and what we anticipate to be our dysfunctional socialized healthcare system.

As part of Soros’ Wide-Open Society initiative, we can’t wait to conduct the trial run on organ removals, onsite in the streets.

Today’s roll-out of the J-4 effort is prime example of reaching new heights in government efficiency.

As an American, you’ve already signed your life away. As the federal government, we highly anticipate getting your all-American POO, too.

This is recycling at its best ? full of crap.?