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Birthdays, and Dinosaurs, and Slavery, Oh My!

By: Caleb Howe (Diary)  |  March 28th, 2012 at 09:00 PM  | 

RESIZE: AAA

Recently, the New York City public school system put out guidelines to providers of test materials to the district. The guidelines included a list of naughty words that should not be included in the materials, so as not to stress out, offend, or cause boo-boos to the children of the city, who are mainly made of glass it would seem. Among the no good, very bad words were “birthday”, “dinosaur”, “Halloween”, and references to junk food, swimming pools, and computers.

This, dear friends, is unarguably a good thing. Take, for example, birthdays. Did you know that some people don’t celebrate birthdays? And since they don’t celebrate them, they would obviously be emotionally distressed to consider that other people do. Tsk, tsk. Likewise, Halloween might evoke paganism, and everyone knows school children are vehemently and actively opposed to such talk, ever since the Great Pagan and Gradeschooler War of nineteen aught seven.

Swimming pools and computers, you would imagine, are banned because some people don’t have one or both of these things, and might therefore forget what two plus two equals when presented with the horrible reality that some people do.

Now yes, I know that computers are actually IN many classrooms. But that;s different. Because,

And it’s not just naughty, religiousy, class-warfarey, and birthday .. er .. ey words that are verboten get the frowny face. It’s scary words too, like “slavery”, “terrorism”, “space aliens” and Lady Gaga (but I repeat myself). All in the interest of protecting virgin minds from seeing words on tests they see every day in life and, indeed, the normal course of their classrooms.

Some say this list goes too far. Well I say it doesn’t go too far enough. Consequently (consequences are scary) Therefore, I propose the addition of a few more words to the list that shall not be named. But let’s name it anyway. Presenting: The Protecting Our Children From Seeing Things Written Down Or Printed That Might Remind Them Of Stuff That They Don’t Do, Don’t Have, Don’t Like, or Wouldn’t Want To Be Chased By While In A Jeep With Jeff Goldblum List, Part Deux (some people aren’t French) … Part Two.

1. ADDITION: This word should never be on a test. Rich people sometimes build “additions” to their houses, which is very traumatic information for children who live in normal houses, apartments, town-homes, or hot air balloons. I mean seriously, why do you hate poor people?

2. DIVISION: Why divide when you can bring together? Can’t we all just get along?

3. CHAIR: What if a child lost a loved one to the electric chair? Or what if a child has an irrational fear of chairs? What? IT HAPPENS. I’m working with a therapist though, and the other day I very nearly confronted a stool (baby steps).

4. PEN or PENCIL: What do you think of when you think of a pen? Wait, I just realized I can’t hear you. What do I think of when I think of a pen? I think of a pen. Which reminds me of a stylus. Which reminds me I don’t have a Tablet device. Which reminds me that I’m nearly 40 and taking tests with schoolchildren. SO STOP REMINDING ME OF THAT!

5. PEOPLE’S NAMES: Some people aren’t named those names, and, well, that’s just chaos man.

6. GRAND FUNK RAILROAD: “The seventies are over, old man. Take your mood ring and go home!” [Legal argument courtesy Dana Gould.]

7. LAPTOP: Might make people think of strippers, and that’s just not right. They’re kids for pete’s sake. What is wrong with you people??

8. FUNERAL: Don’t you know some people don’t celebrate funerals? DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE “BIRTHDAY” INCIDENT??

9. WHALE: “Your momma’s so fat …” I rest my case.

10. TEST: This should be obvious. The whole reason we’re doing this is because tests are stressful, and the idea is not to add extra stress to the already stressful test. So talking about the already stressful test during the already stressful test would be like … stress-ception! Not good!

So there you have it. In “Protecting Our Children From Seeing Things Written Down Or Printed That Might Remind Them Of Stuff That They Don’t Do, Don’t Have, Don’t Like, or Wouldn’t Want To Be Chased By While In A Jeep With Jeff Goldblum List, Part III (there are a few children in New York who aren’t from ancient Rome) .. Part Three, we’ll look at broad concepts that should be stricken from tests, such as video games, anthropomorphized animals, thanking Dr. Pepper, and people who say things like “hey bro, wanna hackey?” (Who should also be stricken from all other public life, incidentally.)

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  • lookingforward

    While I hate to write anything even remotely supportive of the NYC public school system, I have to take issue with your post. Testing guidelines such as the ones mentioned in your post have nothing to do with offending or scaring children. Rather, they have to do with producing tests which accurately assess the learning taking place in the school. Take birthdays for example. I’m sure within the NYC public schools there are large groups of people (such as Jehovah’s Witnesses or some Asian groups) that do not celebrate birthdays. An essay question that talked about activities at a birthday party would very likely be missed by one of these students regardless of their ability to actually perform the task the question was designed to assess. Many kids in big cities such as NYC (especially in poor neighborhoods) don’t know how to swim and have never been to/in a swimming pool. References to the “deep end” or a diving board may not be understood by a child, and could cause him to miss a question he would otherwise answer correctly. I am a teacher in Florida, and the state had to remove references to snow and winter weather on standardized tests, because a large percentage of our population had never seen snow, and especially in the younger grades did not understand questions related to these topics. One study actually found that greater than 75% of students in FL missed a standardized question about what clothes were worn in the winter/summer. It wasn’t that this question offended or scared the students, its that these kids wear the same clothes all year. I am all for ridding the schools of silly political correctness, and there is no shortage of material. This, however, is simply schools doing their jobs in trying to have accurate tests and measurements.

    • http://MichaelHarrington.org Michael Harrington

      Removed from a standardized test seems a step to far.

      They are in every government office, most libraries, most schools, and even most homes.

      To which we have a problem. Without knowing about computers in this day and age is to be destined for poverty when you graduate.

      I look forward to the reply.

    • adeleintexas

      You cannot be serious. First you try to lend the impression you’re less than thrilled with the NYC school system, “While I hate to write anything remotely supportive…” you go on to make some of the most inane arguments ever captured in a comment section!

      Has it occurred to you that children and even adults attend school to learn? Personally, I have never been eaten by a salt water crocodile and they’re not indigenous to Texas, but I know they exist and I know given the chance, I might make a tasty morsel. Jehovah’s Witnesses may not celebrate birthdays, but i daresay they know what they are and what a birthday celebration… celebrates. Unless these children are kept in a vacuum they have also learned the names of party games. It didn’t snow much in South Texas when I was growing up, but we were TAUGHT what snow is, we learned what “HOT!” meant when we were toddlers. Insulating children from words and phrases that are necessarily relevant or exclusive to their daily lives is not teaching, it is repressing and buying into standardized tests that promote teaching practices based solely on local topics isn’t teaching at all – it’s indoctrinating, but then that is, after all, exactly what “teachers” do these days, isn’t it? That was a rhetorical question, by the way, and just in case Florida teachers don’t understand the reference to rhetoric, basically I’m saying that I don’t expect an answer.

      • ragstoriches

        Having adopted two school-age children from Russia, for whom many American concepts and idioms were completely foreign (sorry about that), the inclusion of those same concepts and idioms were exactly what they needed to *learn* and missing questions because of their lack of experience with these things was seen as an opportunity to expand their knowledge, not a reason to eliminate it from a test.

        If we were to sanitize tests because some child might not have experience with particular words, we’d be left with nothing but mathematical questions using cardinal numbers.

        One might also conclude that if the children are confused about certain concepts on a test- which is designed to determine the retention of information *previously taught* to them – then the teacher has failed to properly teach the subject matter.

    • bogeyduffer

      I can think of two reasons for giving tests. First to find out what people or children know in order to determine what areas of knowledge they are lacking so that lessons can be designed to address those areas. Second to determine whether or not they have learned from lessons already taught. In either case, leaving things out fails to accomplish the purpose of testing and only leaves those tested in the comfort of their own ignorance.

      • funwithknives

        very often ” what would be missed “is a very large part of the discourse. So why now, is this even being broached on the public school level? Why not inform children on things they do not know? It’s called SCHOOL, guys.

        The end result of this over time, is a laundry list of things to be taught remedially. All ready, you see virtually every college in this nation with some asort of such a system, as public school does not fulfill it’s primary job: To Educate. And this bunch of feel-good nitwits wants to double- down on ignorance and reductions in experience.
        Sounds like time for a school board recall to me.There’s an experience that would be most educational for “THE KIDS of NYC”.

    • crzyoldone

      The next to the last sentence of Caleb’s post has more offensive words.
      Broad-we wll know that that is code for

      Stricken-implies stricking which implies violence

      Games-game have winners and losers, not appropriate in our society.

      Video-some people can’t afford video’s, video games or computers or tv’s to watch videos on.

      Anthropomorphized-This could upset anyone who doesn’t have more then a fourth grade vocabulary. How bougouis to use big words.

      Animals-There are some scary animals and how will kids know which animals the word applies to? Also there may be exploitation here if the animal cannot give informed consent to the use of a generalized name rather then a specific type of animal.

      Dr.-Classisim at its worst. How many kids in inner city schools have a doctor in their family. Likewise professions such as teacher, engineer, bus driver, auto worker, etc, can all make kids feel uncomfortable if they don’t have anyone in their family working.

      I am so glad that my two daughters and their husbands have agreed to let me homeschool my grandkids. Public schools, even the best ones, cannot manage a way to teach children as human beings with individual personalities, learning styles and the need to treated as a whole human being from the moment of their birth. Schools can warehouse kids and teach to the lowest common denominator. That is it.

    • DannyHaszard

      Jehovah’s Witnesses reject Birthdays all holidays,Thanksgiving even benign Mother’s day.
      The Watchtower leaders want to be ‘different’ for the sake of being different.Jehovah’s Witnesses are a dysfunctional group from the get-go .
      Christmas-Jesus was not born on exactly Dec 25th,but he also did not have his *invisible* second coming in the month of October 1914,a falsehood that is the core doctrine of the Watchtower religion.
      –
      *tell the truth don’t be afraid*–Danny Haszard http://www.dannyhaszard.com

    • sonshine

      Kids are getting dumber and eliminating words from testing only makes it worse. If they are watching TV, and they are, for hours at end, sooner or later they are going to see snow, winter and such. I’m sick of making excuses, based on demographics, etc., etc., etc. for kids who can’t pass these tests. How about using the failing topics as lessons for the next week? My mother had an eighth grade education. I learned more from her than from many of my teachers simply because she had a desire to learn, and wanted me to learn. From my perspective teachers don’t teach. They are in the business of assessing the intellects of their students. Period. Do you think kids are living in a closet? Kids want to learn. They stop wanting to learn when teachers don’t “teach” them anything. It’s pathetic and sad. I once had a college graduate friend, touch the pilot light on my stove with her finger and asked, “What’s this?”

  • davesinsanantonio

    eyewash to convince parents that schools need more money from voters.

    So much time is spent in testing, getting ready for tests, analyzing the results of the tests, that little real teaching is being done.

    More than a century ago the “testing” of a child was done at a PTA meeting where the children were asked to “perform” in front of their parents by answering questions, or reciting things, etc. which their similarly educated parents knew. This way, both the teacher and the child were assessed. Today parents can’t be bothered with all that because they have to watch their favorite shows. So, we instead trot out some test “numbers” that say their kid is above average (Lake Woebegone is not the only place where all kids are above average) and that is sufficient for most moms and dads. And, for way too many of those voters.

  • CincoSolas_del_Bronx

    with one of the standard arguments made by the NYC Board of Ed in its 16-year-long Establishment clause fight against our church’s request–Bronx Household of Faith v. Board of Education of the City of New York–to hold worship services in a school building rented during non-school hours:

    F. The Department?s concerns.

    The role of the school has expanded beyond the school day, as most now have after-school and weekend programs for children (A313, ?12). Families with children attending public school view the neighborhood school as ?their? school, and as a place that is welcoming for all children and their families (A313, ?12). The Department is concerned that some children or their families may feel less welcome at their school if they identify the school with a particular religion or congregation (A309, ?12).

    Because most activities that occur in schools during non-school hours are, in fact, sponsored by the school, or by organizations that have a partnership with the school or a contract to provide after-school programs, children are unlikely to understand that weekly worship services are not sponsored or supported by the school (A315, ?18; 330, ?7; A700, ?10). A congregation?s use of a school for its worship services may be particularly confusing for children. Children — especially younger children — are very impressionable and vulnerable; they think in absolutes, and they are likely to misconstrue a congregation?s use of their school for its worship services as their beliefs being sponsored or supported by the school (A315, ?18; A330, ?7; A700, ?10).

    Brief in Opposition (emphasis added)

    The BoE’s jaw-dropping condescension toward its students and their parents is topped by the delicious irony of the implicit acknowledgment that its own teachers are lumpishly incapable of correcting their students’ misconstruals!

    • CincoSolas_del_Bronx

      My anecdotal experience with NYC public teachers* leaves me no doubt of their ability to teach their charges the difference between “I’m in school” and “I’m in church”–the irony of the Board’s acknowledgement hinges on its assumption that the misconstrual even exists, much less in its supposed imperviousness to enlightenment. If their logic were consistently applied, the Board would similarly restrict the Cadet Corps whose highly visible, uniformed Saturday playground drills should instill far more dread in little darlings’ minds of being conscripted than worship services in the bowels of an empty building do of being converted!

      * some of whom I know are doing all in their power, as far under the radar as they can get, to snatch young minds, souls and bodies from the fire

  • maeveandme

    is anything related to work or jobs. My mom teaches 21 fifth graders at an undisclosed location in VA. She was trying to relay to them the importance of the material she was teaching by stressing that it would be important one day to vocational pursuits. She was informed by one of her cherubs that nobody works anymore, and in fact only three of her parents have jobs. That does not deter them from pursuing the finer things in life such as the latest mobile phones, designer clothing and luxury cars, however, we must send them home with backpacks full of peanut butter crackers and beef jerkey so they will not go hungry over the weekend. Sadly for every question they cannot relate to and therefore miss, despite the time spent on teaching them “test taking skills”, my mom gets dinged for not raising test scores.

    Contrast this to my five and eight year old children who are homeschooled and can tell you the difference between liberalism and conservatism (albeit in elementary terms related to the fact that Barak Obama takes a significant amount of Daddy’s income earned at the expense of family time), the difference between evolution and creationism, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, etc. They are also becoming experts on the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812, but enough bragging! We give them all the facts and contrast them to what we practice and believe in our Christian Madrasa, so named by Bill Maher. Incidentally my five year old boy asked me the other day if President Obama was a Banana Republlican. I thought that rather witty:) Have hope people. I know many homeschoolers, and the ship may yet be righted with leaders in the wings.

    • sonshine

      Said so well. LOL. Thank you for raising and inspiring your children to learn and to understand the world around them.

  • deoradth

    This editorial could have treated the Word Ban with the seriousness that it deserves. I am commenting based on what I remember from another writing, a writing that listed the 50 words. The commentary below is mine, not from that editorial.

    Many of these words are words that offend the ‘sensitivities’ of the Islamic community. Jehovah Witnesses have been around for sometime and we have celebrated birthdays. Jehovah Witness were used as the objecting group in the other article too. But I see more Islamic objections than just to birthdays by the rest of the words chosen for banning.

    “Our culture is not better than anyone elses culture” and “Schools should not teach culture”. The above 2 political correct axioms have been around for a few decades and this is an extension of that means of national suicide.

    Language is culture. Language is the most important aspect of culture. A civilization that fails to transmit its culture to the next generation will soon perish.

    Schools are about teaching students that there is a world out there that is different. If kids do not live where it snows and do not learn about snow in school, where do they understand, snow shovels, snow plows, winter clothes, snowmen, and the list goes on. How can a kid understand sport of skiing as in the upcoming Winter Olympics?
    Now, I will start of swimming pools and diving boards, … nah … you fill in the blanks.

  • justperhaps45

    If the tests are dumbed down enough scores should rise and stupidity and ignorance will go undetected. Won’t we feel good about we?

    http://www.freewebs.com/bannedwords/

    For more than you wish to know about PC speech.

  • justperhaps45

    If the tests are dumbed down enough scores should rise and stupidity and ignorance will go undetected. Won’t we feel good about we?

    http://www.freewebs.com/bannedwords/

    For more than you wish to know about PC speech.