I’ve seen a lot of crazy news stories involving criminals in my day – a list of stories that has been greatly expanded by following Florida Man on twitter. That having been said, this particular news story takes the cake. You will absolutely not believe what THIS Florida man was charged with:

Bail set for Jupiter man accused of throwing gator into Wendy’s

Let’s just stop right there. I don’t think it’s really accurate to say that someone is “accused” of throwing a gator through the window of a Wendy’s drive thru. No one would make a story like this up. The fact that someone actually said it is all the proof I actually needed that it happened.

I also want to pause to reflect on the fact that throwing an alligator through the drive thru window of a restaurant is an actual crime. I mean, I suppose it’s comforting, in a way, that we have laws on the books that cover this sort of situation?

The Jupiter man who told investigators he threw an alligator into a Wendy’s drive-thru window in October made his first appearance in court Tuesday morning.

Joshua James, 24, faces charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, taking an alligator and theft. Judge Joseph Marx ordered him held on $6,000 bail with supervised release. James does not appear to have a previous criminal history other than traffic tickets.

Marx ordered James not have any possession of any animals.

“Including reptiles,” the judge added.

On Oct. 11, James is seen driving up to the Wendy’s fast-food restaurant window, on the corner of Southern Boulevard and Crestwood Boulevard in Royal Palm Beach, and taking a drink he ordered. As the employee turned away from the window, James is seen throwing the 3-and-one-half-foot gator through the window and driving off, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission report.

And that’s the end of this particular news article, which means that this reporter should be fired. There’s absolutely no indication that the reporter even attempted to ask this man the question that is on literally everyone’s mind, which is why this guy threw a gator threw the Wendy’s drive thru.

I know that, personally, every damn time I go to Wendy’s and I ask for a baked potato, which is an item that they allegedly carry, they tell me they are out of baked potatoes. EVERY DAMN TIME. Look, it’s fine if they don’t want to serve baked potatoes, there aren’t THAT many Irish people in America, just TAKE THEM OFF THE MENU AND STOP TEASING ME is all I ask. So what I’m saying is, was it that, or was it something else?

I bet it was something else, and even more awesome, and I hate this reporter for not even trying to find out.

UPDATE: After posting this story, multiple people on Twitter messaged me to point to this statement by Gator Man’s parents:

But according to his parents, James is a prankster who meant no harm.

“It was just a stupid prank that he did that’s now turning into this.  He’s a prankster.  He does stuff like this because he thinks it’s funny,” said mother Linda James.

Ed and Linda James said their son is harmless, but he’s sitting in jail facing serious charges.

 

I guess the trial will prominently feature testimony as to whether a 3.5 foot long gator is actually a “deadly weapon.”