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My Green Jobs suggestions.

By: Moe Lane (Diary)  |  June 11th, 2010 at 08:00 PM  | 

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You know, at first I was probably just a touch annoyed that the White House has spent billions – this is not an exaggeration; billions – on encouraging ‘green jobs’ without knowing what the heck a green job is:

Buried deep inside a federal newsletter on March 16 was something called a “notice of solicitation of comments” from the Bureau of Labor Statistics at the Department of Labor.

“BLS is responsible for developing and implementing the collection of new data on green jobs,” said the note in the Federal Register, which is widely read by government bureaucrats and almost never seen by the general public. But the notice said there is “no widely accepted standard definition of ‘green jobs.’”

But then I saw this:

To help find that definition, the Labor Department asked that readers send in suggestions.

Suggestions?  Oh, I have suggestions:

Moe Lane’s suggestions for Green Jobs:

  • Nuclear power plant construction worker.  Carbon friendly!
  • Assessor of useless federal bureaucratic nonsense.  Basically, what we do here is determine a reasonable per capita weight limit for each law or regulation out there: any paperwork found to be in excess of that per capita limit would then be immediately discarded and its originating bureaucrat taken out and beaten with a stick.  Think of the paper we’ll save…
  • Useless federal bureaucratic nonsense shredder operator. We can mulch the paper products.  Mulch is green.  Making mulch is a job.  Hence, green job.
  • Professional coercive democratization/capitalism indoctrination specialists.  Essentially, teams of these people would go around en masse and turn corrupt totalitarian hellholes into vibrant multiparty democracies with free market economies*, thus helping the environment (I have to tell you: nobody pollutes like a Commie.  Nobody).
And, of course, a most vital one:
  • Republican federal legislator.  Clearly the Democratic ones we have running things now don’t have a clue on how to generate any jobs, let alone specifically green ones.

That’s me.  Always a giver.

Moe Lane

*You know. Like Israel.

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  • Tbone
  • blooch

    If they’ve got that one figured out, they don’t need my help…Ok, maybe a little help:

    BLS, green jobs do not involve the backseat of a Prius.

    Kids today, I swear.

  • acat

    But, as with the joke about what you call a bus 2/3 full of lobbyists at the bottom of the ocean, it just a start…

    One detail – why beat bureaucrats with sticks when rolled-up stacks of 25 sheets of useless documentation is just as effective? (or 500-sheet stacks rolled tightly like Chicago phone books…)

    As for “green jobs”, how about urban fertilizer specialists? This will be a natural for Dem politicians looking for work in December 2010, and it’s within their skill set – the boss gives you a small shovel, a map of ten city blocks showing where all the trees are, and a wheelbarrow full of manure…

    Mew

  • jazzycmk

    It’s an all-natural fertilizer. And it’s in great demand in Washington.

  • wannabeanncoulter

    I’m guessing that pretty much any job that doesn’t result in oil gushing unchecked into the Gulf of Mexico is a “green job.” ;-)

    Maybe we could start a new joke genre: You might have a “green job” if…

    For example, You might have a “green job” if … your company’s carbon footprint is smaller than Janet Napolitano’s shoe size.

  • blooch

    When I worked downtown on a big offset press, the Urban Fertilizer Specialists used to leave fertilizer in a little stairway alcove that was open to an alley. The building was built in simpler times before electricity and progressives, and we couldn’t get our scion of Coca Cola CEO to wall the place off, so we’d douse the piles with roller wash and set them ablaze. Whoever’s turn it was to perform this service was said to have “Brown duty”

  • blooch

    NPR is playing from a speaker in the ceiling of the break room.

  • Next93

    N/T

  • 6eorge Jetson

    After all, no one has more to clean up than them.

  • BooBooKitty

    of those with jobs!

  • http://impudent.blognation.us/blog kyle8

    You use seven times more energy than your job saves.

  • bobmontgomery

    ….You’re saying that BLS has been tasked with, or taken upon itself the task of, counting things which they admit do not exist.
    Please Moe. Stop it. Stop it. The things being reported about this administration are coming so fast and furious that my head is hurting really, really bad.
    See also Obama’s interview with Politico today, in which he says “It’s not my fault because if I had tried to do something to prevent a spill, somebody would have stopped me.”

  • tngal

    He’s green, and he has a job. Ergo, he has a greem job.

  • taxpayer1234

    because he turns us all green with nausea.

  • http://www.suvstrategery.blogspot.com SoFiMil

    And he’s never done a darn thing in his life.

  • http://www.examiner.com/x-1597-Charlotte-Law--Politics-Examiner Mike gamecock DeVine

    Obama?

  • izoneguy

  • Common_Cents

    All his hot air could power his prompters, green prompters, aww shucks people, you can sit down now, I’m just doing my part.

  • 1stRichard

    The technology may have been over two hundred yeas old but it worked, the fact it lasted that long is testament. It was a simple drill press powered by water, the water turned a central shaft in the mill and was green long before ?green? was invented in its current form. It had no dog clutch so changing speed was done by slapping the belt with a large steal round. An old-timer showed me how it was done, get the right angle, proper place and velocity, and he went up and down with the speed several times showing me how easy it was done. Now it was my turn, as I stepped up the old-timer stepped back, way back and this was my first hint there was some sort of skill involved. I took a swing and to my surprise, the belt grabbed the steal round throwing the belt. To add insult to injury it slapped me up side the head with the steal round and everyone in the shop was having a good laugh at the new guy again.

    I would like to welcome you to Holyoke Massachusetts, a city built on individual opportunities, the liberty to work and be rewarded for it. Four and a half miles of canals to bring waterpower to the mills and a dam were dug by pick and shovel. By the 1900s, Holyoke was one of the first planned industrial cities in the world to run on waterpower and it was named the Queen of the industrial world. Holyoke Massachusetts was a city built on the true ?American Dream? and destroyed by a false ?American Dream?. Less then half of old Holyoke remains, it is a burnt and rotting corpse and a shame for all to see. On another topic, the question of anchor babies arose and I had to explain the local joke in Holyoke. What is the most confusing day in Holyoke ? Fathers Day.

    From start to finish, the so-called ?Green Jobs?, the true green jobs were a part of the ?American Dream? and Entrepreneurial Spirit that made us exceptional and the best in the world. I could never operate a simple drill press powered by water legally as I once did. The belts would need guards specified down the what color, use proper lock out tag out and so much rules and regulations it would be too costly and impossible. Then to sustain the level of entitlements, taxes increased the overall cost. We need a minimum wage to pay more taxes, to pay those that make the minimum wage, so they can pay more taxes, it has simply spiraled out of control.

    This is a simple fact that government robbed us from being ?green? and to think the government can return us to what we once were is ludicrous, government is not the solution it is the problem. My suggestions for Green Jobs are simplified to revive the true ?American Dream? and Entrepreneurial Spirit that made us exceptional and the best in the world. We need to get back what we once had all along, we do not have to reinvent anything.

  • lukematthews

    if Al Gore makes at least 100 million off the enterprise.

  • rfpzzzzz

    I assume PV solar panels and windmills are considered green jobs but in all applications where you need to store power when using such items batteries are a big part of the system. I do not think green when I think of batteries. There are a lot of old lead battery plants that have been associated with environmental hazards. So if you end up having to dispose of mountains of batteries for electric cars, or PV or windmill electricity for homes are they a lot greener than a coal plant that uses scrubbers?

  • Warrior

    It looks like an entire DC bureaucracy at work and with the exact same final result: A HUGE MESS!!!

    WELL DONE!!