The Jock?s Guide to Getting Arrested

Weiner broke Rules 1 and 2

And just like fighting through a high screen or defending the slant and go, there is a right way to get arrested and a wrong way.

1. MAKE SURE YOU DON?T SUCK

Before you go out and start committing crimes, it?s important to first make sure you?re at least slightly better than the 30 or 40 guys the team?s assistant GM could instantly pull off some practice squad to replace you. Otherwise you will become fodder for the team?s zero-tolerance discipline policy. Conversely, if you?re awesome, the line will be, ?There?ve been some bumps in the road, but hopefully he?s learned from that.? Take defensive back Willie Andrews, a seventh-round Patriots pick who barely played and sucked when he did. Two days after the disastrous 2008 Super Bowl loss to the Giants that he did absolutely nothing to prevent, he was caught driving around in an unregistered Crown Vic with a half-pound of weed. Four months after that, right smack in the middle of Arrest Season, he got pinched for allegedly waving a gun at his girlfriend?s head. Unamused, Bill Belichick sent a strong zero-tolerance message by cutting Andrews the very next day. Meanwhile, ultra-awesome Pats cornerback Ty Law was arrested twice ? once for muling some E across the Canadian border (he skated on that) and once for a bizarre 2004 traffic incident in Miami that culminated in the ultimate arrest-related shame for an NFL skill-position player: getting caught in a foot chase by a policeman. Despite all this, Law was kept on the roster for another year ? perhaps because he was the only guy on the team who could cover Marvin Harrison. In sum: If you?re on the ?bubble,? smoke your weed at home, and when your girlfriend starts tripping about all those chicks on your Facebook page, don?t give in to instinct and hit her in the mouth with a brick; let it slide. Once you?ve got a lock on at least the second-string job, you can let your hair down. But remember:

2. DON?T COMMIT WEIRD CRIMES

You know what the difference is between current NFL player Ronnie Brown and current Desoto Correctional Institution inmate Cecil ?The Diesel? Collins? Both were star running backs in the SEC (Brown for Auburn, Collins for LSU), both got drafted by the Dolphins, and both got arrested. The difference is that Brown got arrested for DUI ? practically a rite of passage for young NFL players ? while Collins was arrested three times for breaking into women?s homes to watch them sleep, the third time resulting in a 15-year prison sentence. Collins failed to understand that while driving under the influence is dangerous and irresponsible, breaking into women?s houses to watch them sleep, especially if their husbands are home, is weird. Grasp the fine line: Normal, hyperlibidinal violence and irresponsibility are okay; crimes that reveal you to be both irresponsible and a psychosexual dissident are not. Chiefs tackle Victor Riley climbing into his SUV and ramming a car containing his wife and infant daughter: okay. T-Wolves center Eddie Griffin driving while pleasuring himself to porn: not okay.