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How to Stop an Oil Spill

Don't bogart that joint ... of drill pipe.

By: Steve Maley (Diary)  |  May 5th, 2010 at 07:30 PM  | 

RESIZE: AAA

Straight from the Gaian People’s Republic of Boulder comes this fresh idea for stopping the flow of oil from the BP blowout in the Gulf of Mexico: meditation!

“The basic concept is to try and get as many people to visualize that the valve is actually functioning and is working and closing,” said Carl Fuermann, a staff member in the University of Colorado’s Registrar Office. …

“I’m very known for fixing things and making things work,” Fuermann said, adding that he believes his meditation helped fix a friend’s Flip video camera. “I visualize things working and hold the belief that they actually work.”

I must admit, I find this idea … intriguing. This guy fixed a Flip phone; why not an oil well flowing 5,000+ barrels per day one mile straight down in the Gulf of Mexico.

Stranger things have happened. Why, just last week, my Blackberry was acting funny, so I shut it off. I removed the battery and meditated over it for about five minutes. Then I put the battery back in and turned the Blackberry back on: it was as good as new, thanks to the power of meditation!

More constructive advice:

Bourgoyne did have a piece of advice for the meditators, however, and that is to focus their visualization efforts on a process called “sanding out,” which can happen when the unconstrained flow of oil weakens the rock around the well bore. The rock can break apart and enter the well as sand, which eventually blocks the oil leak.

“If the meditators are seeking a common image upon which to focus,” he said. “I suggest they visualize tiny cracks spreading in the rock.”

Oh, no! Don’t do that! That’s hydraulic fracturing!

H/T LOGABoy

Cross-posted at VladEnBlog.

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COMMENTS

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  • janis

    I envision a whole population of folks with their carotid arteries just slamming shut like so many screen doors in a hurricane. So, for all you folks anywhere near the coast…..

    DUUUCCCCCKKKKKK! Or at least make sure your heavy duty tinfoil hat fits securely and protects your neck.

  • cwb33

    is to have an acoustic regulator (what’s known as a dead man’s switch) attached to the drill. That way, in case of emergencies, the switch can be remotely triggered. In fact the government could require these switches be put on all drills… oh right, Dick Cheney did the complete opposite.

    Awesome. Just awesome.

    I love how Republicans wreck the government so they can turn around, point at it and say, “See, we told you government doesn’t work.”

    • roscopico

      While we’re at it… make him work.

      Idiots like you are beyond help, and deserve a sincere curbstomp.

      All the worst to you, jerk.

    • Leopard1996

      My question to you douche. How do we know that they didn’t or that they didn’t have other safeguards in place that probably just malfunctioned. I am not here defending BP, but your little comment about Republicans is garbage on it’s face, and at this point, don’t bother replying to me, because I am calling Hinz rule and will ignore anything you say.

    • janis

      And could we please have the name and phone # of the one who has the remote switch? It’s the least you could do…..

    • gekster
    • http://vladenblog.tumblr.com Vladimir

      I have a question that may tax your petroleum engineering skills:

      It has been established by several attempts at “hot-stabbing” this BOP with an ROV that the shear rams aren’t working.

      What good would an acoustic signal do?

      I await your response with bait breath.

      • janis
        • roscopico

          not content to allow the hippies to hoist themselves on their own petard… Vladimir the hippie destroyer.

      • JoeG

        He said:

        “(what?s known as a dead man?s switch) attached to the drill.”

        I have no idea how the bit could stop the oil flow.

        Particularly if they were cementing the casing, when the bit would be sitting on the rig.

        Yeah, I await it with bait breath too.

        • http://moelane.com/ Moe Lane

          …that this guy’s commentary was absolutely hysterical if you happen to know something about oil drilling.

          • JoeG

            Just indicating he’s parroting a talking point without really understanding what is going on.

            When someone is talking about the “drill” they usually mean the bit at the end, or the drill string that consists of the drill, drill collars and instrumentation. It goes down at the bottom of the hole to drill deeper.

            Up at the surface (seafloor in this case) there is a string of valves called the Blow Out Preventer(s) (BOP). At least one of these can chop the drill pipe off in case of a blowout. Incidentally, the bad ’79 spill in Mexican waters was due to the BOP trying to chop off the drill string, not pipe due to bad timing. It’s not strong enough to chop the drill collars or the bit, so it broke.

            When he says “deadman switch attached to the drill” it is nonsense. The deadman is hooked to the BOP at the surface.

    • http://www.hakubi.us/ Neil Stevens
  • Achance
  • Tbone

    Who has taken the weight on his shoulder
    To stop the oil spill
    with nothing but will
    Just to be derided by those who are smarter and older.

    Shame on you Vlad. LOL

    • 6eorge Jetson

      Was gonna photoshop Zero w/ a couple of teleprompters at the beach, his hot air blowing the oil back South. Then this guy puts my idea to shame.

  • mustango

    …but Boulder has joined in on the Arizona boycott.

    • mbecker908

      in the border with Mexico and close ‘em.

  • CVN_76

    Who was it that said when man stops believing in God, it’s not that he believes in nothing, its that he believes in anything?

    Perfect example.

    I wonder how Mr Feurmann would differentiate his ‘beliefs’ from praying to any of the occupants Mt Olympus? Other than in his world “pray” is a dirty word, this isn’t at all different from praying to Poseidon or Vulcan or Hades.

  • jmadisonfan

    (and apparently ON something as well . . .), maybe we can get all the lefties to meditate really, really hard on trying to make BHO’s presidency even more “successful” than it has been thus far. With any luck maybe all of their heads will explode.

  • yoyo

    – I removed the battery and meditated over it for about five minutes. —

    Yeah, right. “Meditated.” Is THAT what you are calling it? More like “muttered,” to be sure. But it did get your Crackberry working again…

    NEVER underestimate the power of cursing! It beats hammering someone/thing every time… well sometimes anyway.

  • blooch

    But good effort, hippies…and keep your clothes on, please.

    • http://vladenblog.tumblr.com Vladimir
      • blooch
  • hickorystick

    HS

  • Duke

    While the moonbats are sitting around casually meditating on cracks in rocks, there are hoards of radical Muslims doing jumping jacks on their prayer rugs in meditation that the oil leak sprays hard enough to hit D.C.

    I estimate the moonbats are outnumbered.

  • dennism

    … for anybody willing to find it and write about it and explain it is the slow response of this guy with the meditative mojo. I mean, what’s he been doing all this time? Sitting around on his duff doing nothing when he could have been meditating all this time? It’s been 15 days now. It’s a scandal.

  • RedBeard

    …the Moronic…er, I mean Harmonic Convergence were hiding. How fitting that this one is holed up in a university office.

  • spiff

    Shouldn’t this article be headlined with “How to stop an oil BILL?”
    Our Congress gave the oil companies a cap of 75 million dollars, any cost over and above that amount, we, the tax payers, have to pay…We don’t have a Congress of Representatives, we have a bag of power crazy lawyers running our lives…OUT! OUT! OUT!
    Spiff

    • http://vladenblog.tumblr.com Vladimir

      See my post titled “BP,LLC”.

      BP is fully on the hook to pay for cleanup costs.

      What their liability is limited on is things like if they were to be sued by a hotel in Destin for cancelled reservations.

      Or if a shrimper sued them for loss of consortium because his wife was upset about the bird being oiled.

      Things like that. Everybody and his brother can cook up a theory of damages & a cause of action. With unlimited liability, it would keep plaintiffs’ attorneys busy for years.

      Thanks for sharing.

  • Achance

    and I think everybody lost consortium over that at some time or another. The good people of coastal Alaska did not do themselves proud over that.

  • Tanggor

    got fixed the same way. We just have to “reach out” to the Other world to get the power…

    These people have jobs. Somebody actually pays them to do stuff.

    They also vote.

    Now I know why I sometimes wake from dreams in a cold sweat.

    Jeez.

  • rightwingmom52

    November from my chair. All together now!