Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the woods... Today we learn that, in British Columbia, a 45-year-old "ecosexual" woman has fallen head-over-heels in love with a tree. It's unknown as to whether the tree reciprocates her feelings.

A self-proclaimed “ecosexual” took nature loving to the extreme after becoming infatuated with an oak tree — which she says fills her with “erotic energy.”

“There was an eroticism with something so big and so old holding my back,” Sonja Semyonova, 45, told SWNS of her forest fetish.

She is a self-proclaimed “ecosexual,” defined by “Here Come The Ecosexuals” as a person who “finds nature romantic, sensual and sexy” and often imagines “Earth as their lover.”

Literature abounds with tales of people finding their true loves outdoors in the natural world, but this woman takes a stroll through the morning wood to an entirely new level. Oh, but she claims it's not sexual - yet her oak tree/true love fills her with "erotic energy" and that she finds nature "romantic, sensual and sexy." That sure reads as being pretty sexual to me - not to mention the "...imagines Earth as (her) lover." 

I spent a few moments trying to work out the mechanics of that and finally gave it up; it's almost not worth thinking about.

The self-intimacy guide and “somatic sex educator in training” first started pining for the plants after moving to Vancouver Island, British Colombia in the winter of 2020.

Semyonova, who also specializes in “erotic story telling,” said she lay eyes on a giant oak tree while on her daily nature strolls during lockdown.

“I was walking a path near the tree five days a week for the whole winter,” the nature lover explained. “I noticed a connection with the tree. I would lie against it.”

The naturalist’s connection continued to grow stronger like a piece of oak until summer 2021, when she started developing erotic feelings for the mighty hardwood.

Oh, so she's a "Somatic sex educator in training," because of course she is. And you thought the eco-protesters were nutty.

Look, I'm all for this lady doing whatever wood make her happy. She doesn't appear to be interfering with anyone else, unlike some Swedish Doom Pixies I could name. While her views on trees and their proper relationship with them may be a tad unorthodox, if she wants to get all sappy over an oak tree, well, it's a free country. While the tree is sadly immovable, maybe she would find happiness moving into a yurt (it's always a yurt with these people - why is it always a yurt with these people?) nearby, so the two of them can put down some roots. Some folks might find it acorny, but who are we to judge?

One benefit: The tree will never get tired of listening to her and ask her to leaf. I'm not sure a human male could give her any such assurance.

Honestly, you have to feel a little sad for this woman. She obviously has very little experience with actual wilderness, which will kill you very quickly if you lack the proper respect, knowledge, experience, and equipment to deal with it. She found her tree in a park, manicured and maintained, and she sure isn't sleeping out there with it; I'm sure she lives in a comfortable, centrally-heated house or apartment (maybe a yurt) and doesn't go out to commune with her woody mate when it's raining or snowing. And that always seems to be the way with the overt eco-nuts, doesn't it? Those of us who live out in "the environment," as city people refer to "the country," generally have a more rational outlook on things. We know better than to fall in love with trees or introduce cocaine hippos.

If someone professes their love to a tree in the woods, does it make a sound?