Today we’re making an exciting announcement. It’s the first day of a new month, and the first time we’re bringing you the news about something we’ve spent years working toward.

We’re open for business!

Blogging has been around for a long time now, and although we love it, and we love offering opinions, snark, photoshops, outrage, and news, we know it can only take us so far. With the changes to how social media works, a lot of blogs are feeling the crunch, and we want to stay ahead of the curve. So we’re launching our new initiative and we’re excited to make you a part of it.

Starting first in three specially chosen cities, we’re opening physical locations for our readers/customers to actually drop in. The first locations are in Charlotte, North Carolina, Washington, D.C., and Balch Springs, Texas.

Let me tell you more about this, and why you’ll want to get involved.

What happens when you visit a blog? Usually, you’ve clicked a link on Facebook, Twitter, or Email, or you’ve come to the front page by bookmark. Maybe you got here through Google or Bing or Ask Jeeves. You get to a story, appreciating the clickbait headline. You smile at the excellent photo or graphic choices. You’re engrossed by the scintillating writing, drinking in the fountain of knowledge and enlightenment. Then you get to the crux, the meat of the post, the opinion itself. You’ve fully read something that one of us thinks.

So then what? Read another article? Go back to Twitter? Eat a sandwich? Doesn’t that feel incomplete to you?

Well not anymore.

Come on in! But, you know, lock your car. Seriously. Lock it.

We make it so effortless. Now, you can simply and easily get up from the computer, get into your car, drive to Balch Springs, Texas, find our RedState storefront, ring the bell, wait for someone to unlock the door, go inside and take a number, wait for your number to be called, go up to the desk when they call your number, tell them you just read an article on the front page of RedState, and that you’d like to talk about it.

Our enthusiastic interns will then escort you back to one of the “alcove” rooms, where you will wait for the author of the post, or someone who read the post and knows the author, to come into the room. Once they are there, you will shake hands and introduce yourself by saying your name, and then waiting for the person who is shaking hands with you to say their name. At this point, you’ll sit down in one our fantastic and modern chairs that you just took from the stack on the wall and unfolded for yourself.

Our stellar front desk service! (artist’s rendering.)

At this point, you and the author or the stand-in for the author will begin to argue about the article.

“I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS!!” you might yell. And then as the author or author’s rep cries like an infant, it’s off to the races.

Now, sure, this will often lead to physical altercations, but that’s part of the amazing service we’re providing. You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to punch the person who wrote a particular post in their face (or their stand-in’s face) once or twice. Well now you can!

And that’s not all. For a small upcharge, you can get a video of yourself kicking them in the crotch. What a memory that will make!

We’re moving into a new phase in online opinion writing. And RedState is leading the way into that new phase with a wider range of services. Soon other websites will follow our innovative lead. In just a few months, you could be kicking a RedState writer in the groin in the morning, and spitting on a New York Times columnist in the afternoon. It’s all up to you.

THE FUTURE IS NOW!!

We at RedState look forward to taking this step from your verbal abuse to you actually physically wailing on us. But, you know, for money.

Because honestly, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Gotta get them bills.

Now go and enjoy April First, you hooligans. We’ll see you all too soon, I fear!

This, but the printer is me!