Despite the decades-old assertion of liberals, conservatives have hearts.

So for all you softies out there, here’s News You Can Use.

Has anyone ever shattered your red, thumping, arrowed object in the shape of two equal topcurves meeting at a point at the bottom? That thing Cupid exercised the 2nd Amendment on?

Has another human being ever ripped from your chest that symbol of all that is good in the world, thrown it on the floor, and stomped on it like a member of Antifa?

Does RedState describe your angry perspective toward an ex-lover? Are the Stars and Stripes a description of your resultant dizziness, post-soul-lashing, courtesy of a former flame?

Well, you’ve got a shot at some good ol’ American justice, thanks to a zoo in Texas.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the El Paso Zoo is offering to name a cockroach after your ex. Once the 6-legged creep’s taken on the Ruiner of Your Life’s moniker, it’ll be fed to a meerkat. Live, via webstream on V-Day.

Here’s the transcript from NPR’s All Things Considered:

MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:

Love poems are nice. But if you’re not in a loving mood with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, the El Paso Zoo has just the thing. They are offering to name a cockroach after your ex. Yeah. And it gets better. Here’s what will actually happen on the 14th.

ARI SHAPIRO, HOST:

On Valentine’s Day, they will feed that cockroach to a hungry meerkat live on a webcam. As you might imagine, this offer got a lot of interest.

SARAH BORREGO: We really didn’t think it would go as big as it did. We thought, maybe in El Paso and that’s it. But it’s gotten all over the place.

SHAPIRO: That’s Sarah Borrego, the zoo’s event coordinator. The staff soon realized that the meerkats would get full really fast. So they had to recruit tamarins and white-headed marmosets to share the cockroach feast.

KELLY: And the requests kept rolling in, from people like Maggie Smith in Columbus, Ohio…

MAGGIE SMITH: I’m mid-divorce, (laughter), and my birthday is the day before Valentine’s Day. It’s pure fantasy.

SHAPIRO: …And Ariane Rowland. She is already divorced and named a cockroach after her ex-husband.

ARIANE ROWLAND: He’s the one who originally made me hate Valentine’s Day, and there’s always this little piece of you that wants to get even. You know?

KELLY: Cathartic, sure. Constructive? Well…

SANDRA LANGESLAG: My guess is actually that that may not really work very well.

KELLY: That’s Sandra Langeslag at the University of Missouri St. Louis. She studies love, breakups and all the emotions that go with them.

SHAPIRO: And she says if you’re still angry enough with your ex to have them eaten in effigy by a meerkat, well, it might be because of lingering feelings. Here’s her less-carnivorous suggestion to get through Valentine’s Day.

LANGESLAG: Distraction is also helpful to feel less unpleasant. So just think about unrelated things that don’t have to do with your ex.

KELLY: Good advice, but if after all that distraction your ex is still bugging you, the El Paso Zoo Facebook livestream is waiting for you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MARK REDITO’S “LOVERS”)

KELLY: Happy almost-Valentine’s Day, from all of us at ALL THINGS CONSIDERED at NPR News.

Langeslag’s got it all wrong; name the roach.

Sarah shed some light, thanks to CBS:

“The meerkats love to get cockroaches as a snack, and what better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than by feeding them a cockroach named after your ex!”

Here’s how:

You can message the zoo on Facebook with your ex’s name, then wait patiently for February 14 to watch the roach get devoured during the “Quit Bugging Me” meerkat event, which will live-stream on Facebook and the zoo’s website. The names of those exes will also be displayed around the meerkat exhibit and on social media starting February 11. The zoo calls it “the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.”

Got some nominations in mind? Aside from ex-valentines, how about former jobs? Bands? Movies? Governmental policies? News events? Political leaders?

Let us all know, in the Comments section below. And — in advance — Happy Valentine’s Day.

-Alex

 

See 3 more pieces from me: my top stories of 2018, watch an idiot, and a man sues women for not letting him be one — & he wins.

Find all my RedState work here.

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