On the science front, a groundbreaking discovery’s been made.

And the person to bring us the big news is Mariam Al-Sohel, a self-described academic Kuwaiti.

Gay people, listen close; straight people, take the word to the street:

Homosexual men have a very simple problem that can be remedied rather easily.

As it turns out, Liberace had a worm that lived inside his butt. And just as Cookie Monster lives for cookies and that weird yellow guy from the 80’s Public Service Announcement hankered for a hunka cheese, the sequined pianist’s butt boarder constantly craved its favorite food of all: semen.

REVOLUTION, COMPLETE.

And it kinda makes sense — maybe that piano bench was keeping the thing in.

Fortunately for people still stalking the Earth with the worrisome worm, Mariam has a way of killing it. And it doesn’t require oral ingestion.

Her solution to salacious sexual stickin’…her problem-solver for prurient pickle-parkin’…is a super scientific suppository.

It’s a good thing Mariam’s solved the Pubix Cube — man-on-man lovin’ is illegal in Kuwait.

Plus, a BONUS: her cure was inspired by “Islamic prophecies.”

She said as much during her appearance on Scope TV (above).

And how do men become gay? They develop the sexual urge for some sneaky backdoor shenanigans after being “sexually attacked.” And — like the heart — the worm wants what the worm wants.

That little fella is livin’ in there and tellin’ its host what to do. The afflicted man’s out on the town and wanting to find a tryst or three? Thus speaks his colonic caterpillar: “See men, see men, see men, seemen!”

And the addiction continues.

Feed your habit, feed the monster.

Thanks to Mariam, LGBT may soon merely stand for “Larva-Gone Butt Treatment.”

But it’s a drag that she has to kill the thing. Much better: some kind of transformational method. The guy just bends over, and out comes a beautiful BUTTerfly.

A monarse?

-Alex

 

See 3 more pieces from me:

WATCH: Good Samaritans Fight To Save Detroit Mailman From Vicious Pit Bull Attack

She’s Back: Hillary Clinton Decries Russian Election Theft & Reminds Us She Can’t Be Goldilocks

University Of California Professor: ‘People Think Cops Need To Be Reformed. They Need To Be Killed.’

Find all my RedState work here.

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