So there you are, thinking you’ve heard one of the stupidest things possible. But then I swoop in with this.

Do you appreciate affordable, well-designed furniture? Are you a fan of modern, minimalist decor? Do you hanker for a hunka Ikea?

Well, your favorite Swedish slinger of Lingonberry soda is in trouble.

In fact, it’s worse than you may imagine. The assembly-required home goods store has recently had the nerve to…**trigger warning**…serve peas.

Yes — it’s that horrible.

Peas, I said.

Calm yourself…

It all started when the backer of the Billy Bookcase decided to be a jerk and serve similar chicken.

Jerk chicken, in case you didn’t know, is a marinated Caribbean dish, and the maker of your favorite fake-fur rug paired it with white rice and the aforementioned panic-inducing spherical seeds.

You see, IKEA should be sensitive to the fact that the Scotch-bonnet-peppered meat isn’t traditionally teamed with dadgum green peas! It’s supposed to be kidney beans in coconut milk, ya neanderthals:

Shame on IKEA for feigning a penchant for diversity.

Let the outrage begin!

It’s shameful cultural appropriation, and IKEA didn’t even hire any Caribbeans to guide them in their theft:

As you can see above, the store’s repented.

How could those white people have ever thought this was okay??

At least one person defended the home of the Klippan loveseat, Färgrik mug, Riktig Ögla curtain rings, Flärdfull candle, Knutstorp chair, and Ödmjuk teapot:

The store can use the support; it just can’t seem to catch a break with the Painfully Conscious — IKEA even made CheatSheet’s list of “5 Stores Where You Should Not Buy Furniture.”

The SuperWoke list excoriated the furniture retailer for having the nerve to:

  • Use wood
  • Not be located as pervasively as McDonald’s

See for yourself:

However, the larger concerns around Ikea have more to do with environmental and other costs, not necessarily the furniture itself. “Can we afford to keep shopping at places where an item’s price reflects only a fraction of its societal costs?” one Atlantic column asked in 2009.

Seven years and counting after the article was published, it appears we can. But it doesn’t necessarily mean we should. For one, IKEA has pushed many transportation costs onto the consumers themselves, likely without them even thinking about it. The average consumer drives 50 miles round trip to make it to the assembly-required mecca, often far away from city centers so the business can avoid higher taxes. At the time the article was written, the retailer was also the third-largest consumer of wood, used in the particleboard now ubiquitous with the brand.

But the bigger issue, as the Atlantic points out, is that the cheaper furniture invites us not to invest or repair the items. When a bookcase breaks or a dresser becomes unusable, we throw it away instead of repairing it, like we would an heirloom armoire. It might get recycled, or it might not. Either way, we’re using more natural resources without adding lasting value. For those reasons, “IKEA is the least sustainable retailer on the planet,” said Wig Zamore, a Massachusetts environmental activist who worked with IKEA and supports some of the company’s regional green initiatives.

Did the person who wrote that article stop to think that perhaps people drive far to get to IKEA because they love it so much?

Perhaps the author could’ve also considered that if you open a store in New Jersey, it’s far from New York; if you open one in New York, it’s far from New Jersey.

All places are close to some things and far from others.

Oh well, who needs reason when you’ve got outrageous signaling of virtue at hand?

I’m keen on the Swedish store, evil Nazi peas notwithstanding.

The next time you’re there, take my advice: getcha a soft-serve vanilla cone. Those things are delicious.

-ALEX

 

See 3 more pieces from me:

Respect Your Elders: Viral Video Of An Arby’s Boxing Match Shows A Young Buck Find Out Old Guys Know A Thing Or Two

Hollywood’s Rosanna Arquette Apologizes For Being White. She Announces Her Shame & Disgust Over Her Birth

An Elderly Man Walks Into The Hospital For A Bladder Procedure, Walks Out Circumcised – Accidentally

Find all my RedState work here.

And please follow Alex Parker on Twitter and Facebook.

Thank you for reading! Please sound off in the Comments section below. 

If you have an iPhone and want to comment, select the box with the upward arrow at the bottom of your screen; swipe left and choose “Request Desktop Site.” If it fails to automatically refresh, manually reload the page. Scroll down to the red horizontal bar that says “Show Comments.”