Beto O'Rourke

Democratic presidential candidate former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke speaks during a Democratic presidential primary debate hosted by CNN/New York Times at Otterbein University, Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2019, in Westerville, Ohio. (AP Photo/John Minchillo)

 

 

On Monday, Joy Behar gave Beto O’Rourke some retroactive campaign advice: He should’ve never spilled the beans of his plan to confiscate America’s most popular hunting rifle from millions of its citizens’ homes.

During a panel discussion, the co-host waxed philosophic on the punk rocker’s recent wanderin’ off from the campaign trail.

Let us pause in commemoration.

Sadly, O’Rourke’s exit from the 2020 race means no more articles on his anti-privileged-millionaire position (despite the fact that he himself is a multi-millionaire heir — here), his fantastic documentation of having his old-man ear hairs clipped (here), his super cool use of the F word (here and here), his contention that your excesses starved Central Americans and forced illegal immigration (here), and his understanding that it’s legal to murder people if they identify as the opposite sex (here).

And I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow:

Back to The View, Meghan suggested part of Beto’s undoing may have been that whole firearm-stealin’ thing:

“Beto — when my husband told me he got out of the race, I think he’s actually like a beta test for why going so national and being beloved by the media is always dangerous. … He raised $80 million, and President Obama was drawing comparisons to him.

“He got a ton of Obama staff, and I’ll also say his stance on gun buybacks — Mayor Pete said it was ‘a shiny object that distracts from achievable gun reform.’ Chris Coons said it wasn’t a wise policy move and ‘That clip will be played for years at 2nd Amendment rallies with organizations to try to scare people to say Democrats are coming for your guns.’ He made a speech about religious institutions getting their tax status removed from them because they didn’t support same-sex marriage. He did a lot of, like, battleground culture war, and he ran as the most Left, most woke candidate. And look where he ended up.”

That’s when Joy served up some instruction:

“They should not tell everything they’re going to do. If you are going to take people’s guns away, wait until you get elected and then take them away. Don’t tell them ahead of time.”

She’s right — surprise is a fairly necessary element of successful theft.

Not only should he not have told anyone, but he should’ve dressed in black and come in under the cover of night.

Or better: when no one’s home.

Through the back door.

The good news is, he can still do it. He’s a member of a half-billion-dollar family, and he’s no longer encumbered by political pursuit.

He’s got beaucoup funds (a little French for ya there) and plenty of time on his hands — outside of changing tires on video while not accruing any grease or a single drop of sweat (here).

He should be able to employ that same shirt-tucked-in, squeaky-clean approach to burglary.

I, for one, appreciate a clean-cut robber.

Good luck, Beto. Have the luck of the Irish — after all, that’s what you are.

I do, however, offer a word of warning: When you’re breaking in, you should know that the occupants under every roof upon which you land your sleigh may indeed possess other guns. And, despite your inexplicable assertion to the contrary, they’re just as dangerous as AR-15’s.

Safety first.

In the meantime, we’ve still got some good anti-2A candidates in the running. Cory Booker’s not for the spooky-looking long-barrelled projectile-launchers, and he’s ahead of Joy — he already refused to tell Meghan McCain just how he’d forcibly take people’s personal property (here).

Now all he has to do is figure out how to validate the verisimilitude of his vexing victory vow: that he’s the right one to win, because he’s the obvious one to lose (here).

That’s gonna be an interesting one to watch. But don’t get too distracted — there may be a guy in a sheep suit waiting to sneak in and snag your AR.

It’s really a shame — he already had the perfect outfit. Like Joy said, he should’ve never let on that he was a wolf.

-ALEX

 

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