War on Christmas? Now There's a War on Christmas Sweaters. And It's the End for Us All

 

 

You’re aware of the war on Christmas. Well, here’s something cozier. And, yet, uglier.

An anti-global warming group in the UK is taking on that dastardly destructive holiday horror know as the ugly Christmas sweater.

According to environmental charity Hubbub, those sweaters you wear to yuletide shindigs routinely consist of plastic and metallic fibers.

And that’s killing the people in the Pacific.

As per CNN, Hubbub bought 108 sweaters from chain stores and online retailers. Their analysis: 95% “were fully or partially made from plastic materials.”

So way to go murdering the fish, you jubilant jerks.

Here’s more:

Acrylic was the most common plastic fiber found in these festive sweaters — with 44% made entirely from the material and three-quarters containing acrylic to some degree.

Although, let’s peak into a bit of perspective from The Daily Wire:

[T]hat’s not that much different from other season clothing, most media outlets are careful to note — especially cheap, season clothing made in China.

Back to Ho Ho Hopelessness, as found by a 2016 Plymouth University study, acrylic lets go of nearly 730,000 microfibers during every wash. That’s way more than polyester or cotton-polyester blends, and all that aqua eventually reaches the sea.

Therefore, Hubbab warns that your Christmas sweater is “likely to add to the issue of plastic pollution in our oceans.”

Hubbub estimates jolly jingle-bellers in the UK alone will buy 12 million ugly sweaters during this Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Twelve seems to be a fitting number — there are 12 Days of Christmas, and we’ve supposedly got 12 years left before the planet gives way to an eternal Silent Night.

We’ll be left with a (dead) partridge in a barren tree.

But Hubbub has a plan to save the world.

As it turns out, those crappy consumers of the 12 mil already own 65 million ugly Christmas sweaters. And two outta five of the new ones’ll be worn only once this year.

Hence:

To tackle the environmental issue, the charity recommends that people swap their sweaters with friends or buy second-hand.

The warning comes ahead of the charity Save the Children’s annual Christmas Jumper Day on December 13, when people in the UK are encouraged to put on their festive wear and donate to charity.

Indeed — for all you beta males sittin’ on go to buy your yearly jumper, take note:

Sarah Divall, project co-ordinator at Hubbub, said: “Fast fashion is a major threat to the natural world and Christmas jumpers are particularly problematic as so many contain plastic.”

So stick to Culottes, men.

This isn’t the first time we’ve seen sweaters get swatted. Last month, I covered Target’s change to their knitted long-sleeve ode to the Gingerbread Man — he’s now the Gingerbread Gender-Neutral person.

And almost exactly one year ago, Forever 21 apologized for letting this white guy wear Wakanda:

There must be something about warm winter tops that just get people goin’.

But I say, this season, it’s the uglier the better. Wear ’em proud.

Heck, we’re too far gone to save the world — annihilation is imminent. In 1969, Christian musician Larry Norman wrote the following lyrics describing Armageddon:

Life was filled with guns and war

And everyone got trampled on the floor

I wish we’d all been ready

Children died, the days grew cold

A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold

So it’s a wrap — we’re already there. It wasn’t gold exactly, but close enough: Yesterday, a man bought a banana for $120,000.

See ya at the Great Judgement.

Look for me; I’ll be wearing a green and red sweater with giant candy canes, real cookies, and a plastic Donald Trump — after all, we’re constantly told he thinks he’s God. Might as well hedge my bets.

-ALEX

 

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