If you’re in New York and wanting to take a dip, lookout — the mayor is a dipstick.
Sorry — that should be, the mayor has a dipstick — a stick to get you out of the water, if you dare take a dip.
He may speak softly, but he carries a big one. And Bill de Blasio has the authority to rake you right out of the river.
At a press conference Sunday, the city’s main man made clear the state had left options of reopening to local governments.
Bill’s leanings are of the No variety:
“There’s obviously a huge interest in the beaches. And the state of New York has said that different localities can make different choices, and some are deciding — in the metropolitan area — to open beaches for Memorial Day, the traditional start of the beach season. I’ve said before and I’m gonna say again: We are not opening our beaches on Memorial Day. We are not opening our beaches in the near term. It is not safe, it is not the right thing to do in the epicenter of this crisis.”
— The Hill (@thehill) May 17, 2020
The following day, he laid down the law:
“No swimming, no lifeguards, no parties, no BBQs.”
“Anyone tries to get in the water, they’ll be taken right out of the water.”
In his defense, he did offer a bit of sense:
“It’s a dangerous situation to ever go in the water if there are no lifeguards present.”
Or should grown adults be able to swim at their own risk on public property?
Back to Sunday, Bill even threatened to fence off NYC’s sandy seduction:
“You want to walk along the beach or sit on the beach for a while — fine. No swimming, no parties, no sports, no gatherings. If people don’t get it right, if we start to see a lot of violation of those rules, up will come the fences closing off those beaches. No one wants that, but we’re ready to do it if that’s what it takes to keep people safe.”
Wow. Just in time. https://t.co/wQOWoOl4YN
— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) May 18, 2020
The guy’s certainly not afraid of fences — in 2014, he caused a stir by building one around his mayoral mansion. Another one, that is.
From the New York Post at the time:
Mayor Bill de Blasio…has erected a massive new “privacy fence” to keep his constituents from looking in on Gracie Mansion.
The new fence — constructed just inside an existing red brick wall and a wrought-iron fence ringing the historic property — was actually dubbed a “privacy fence” by de Blasio and first lady Chirlane McCray, sources told the Post.
“So much for being mayor of the people. That brick fence was good enough for Rudy Giuliani and his family, and for Ed Koch and all the mayors before him,” a law enforcement source said.
— RichNYC ⚪🚴🏽⚙️ (@RR13NYC) January 9, 2019
Maybe he’ll put a fence around restaurants, too — during his May 17th news briefing, Bill took a swat at bar flies.
“I’m not comfortable at all with people congregating outside bars … If you start to form groups of people and then 2, 3, 5 and it becomes 6, it becomes 10, it becomes 15, that violates what we’re saying about social distancing and that puts lives in danger. We are not going to tolerate people starting to congregate. It’s as simple as that.”
The mayor added that more cops would be dispatched to the Upper East Side to keep watch on everyone.
And it’s a lot of people to look over — Bill’s even beefed up the bunch waiting to whip up some shoreline shenanigans and tavern tomfoolery: In the interest of public health, in March, he began releasing prisoners from Rikers Island — what with the coronavirus and all.
By April 10th, more than 1,500 city inmates had been freed.
From the Post ten days later:
[A]t least 50 of the newly released Rikers Island prisoners were rearrested for new crimes in recent weeks — and in some cases were cut loose again.
The mayor was shocked:
“I think it’s unconscionable just on a human level that folks were shown mercy and this is what some of them have done.”
In fact, some of them may go on a crazy crime spree this weekend — and get in the water.
Apparently, they’ll be fished out.
But don’t fear the fisherman — those hooked will likely be let go: When it comes to capturing criminals, it seems the mayor of New York is a catch-and-release type of guy.
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