AP featured image
A reveler wearing a unicorn mask attends the “Ceu na Terra” or Heaven on Earth street party in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, Saturday, Feb. 25, 2017. Merrymakers take to the streets in hundreds of open-air “bloco” parties during Rio’s over-the-top Carnival, the highlight of the year for many. (AP Photo/Leo Correa)

 

WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES AWAIT.

You don’t know this about me, but I’m calm in a crisis. I’ve got a history to prove it.

Even so, I lack the kind of evidence boasted by Roberto Perez.

The 36-year-old New Yorker apparently suffered a mishap recently when a giant knife was driven downward into the top of his head.

And it stayed there, but he didn’t appear to mind.

Remember those 70’s kung fu movies where people endured impossible injuries and just kept on truckin’? Well, it was like that.

The guy’s gourd looked like a sandwich with a plastic sword in it.

If only they’d speared an olive ahead of time.

But Roberto seemed fine: Gigantic blade impaling the case housing my brain? What gigantic blade impaling the case housing my brain?

A witness described his nonchalance:

“He looked like he didn’t even feel it. The guy was refusing to go inside the ambulance.”

But an ambulance was definitely the place to be — his nice white tank top was broadly blood-stained beyond the reparational powers of Tide, no matter how New and Improved™.

At least he kept it classy — that rosy leakage perfectly matched his red sneakers.

And white bandages were a perfect complement to his tank.

According to Fox News, the harpooning took place in East Harlem amid a domestic dispute.

Roberto and a 34-year-old woman were allegedly fighting with a third male subject, who slashed the lady’s cheek and then took a stab at a cranial club sandwich at Roberto’s expense.

The New York Post reported he was entrusted to Harlem Hospital’s intensive care.

Officials listed him in stable condition — luckily, the shank fell short of breaking through bone.

And here’s a shock to the system: A doctor claimed both Roberto and his gal pal were on drugs.

Considering the outcome, that was probably a good thing: If you’re about to take a knife to the head, popping a Tylenol or two might not quite get you in the mood.

In the end, a point comes to mind — you never know what the day might bring.

On Tuesday, Roberto Perez got a splitting headache and a razor-sharp reminder of two undeniable truths:

In life, sometimes the stakes are high. And sometimes when you’re high, you get staked.

#LifeLessons

-ALEX

 

See 3 more pieces from me:

Tail of the Sea: Man Complains of Stomach Pain, Doctors Find a Large Fish in His Rectum

13-Time Felon Accidentally Shoots Himself in the Testicles While Carrying Drugs in His Anus – As You Do

50 Years After Disastrously Dynamiting a Sperm Whale, Oregon Opens Its ‘Exploding Whale Memorial Park’ (VIDEO)

Find all my RedState work here.

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