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COPS Theme Song

 

So there you are, nekkid on the beach. And here comes the popo.

Pack up your privates and run! You’re not supposed to be doing this!

Ah, nuts — nevermind. It’s too late to run, even if everything’s left swingin’. You’ve been bested by modern-day policing.

Might as well crack that smile — you’re on Candid Camera.

Such was recently the nightmare for R&R’ers airing out their unmentionables at Twin Lake, Minnesota.

As reported by CBS4, this spring and summer, the Golden Valley Police Department’s received over a dozen complaints regarding alcohol, drugs, and abject nudity along the shoreline.

Sgt. Randy Mahlen said it was time to nip it in the butt:

“It had reached the point where it was time for people to be held accountable for their actions.”

Therefore, the cops sent out drones to search for those in violation.

Sounds like Porky’s, but to Randy, it ain’t:

“It would be no different than a surveillance camera in a public place for a high-crime area.”

Still, according to KARE11, bare beachgoer Kristian Calbert didn’t appreciate it:

“We saw a drone go up. We didn’t think anything of it, because everyone has those now. Maybe ten minutes later, we hear, ‘We think police are coming.’”

She’s just flat-out not big on the situation:

“It’s ridiculous when I turn around and there’s a gentleman who has boobs that are as big as, or bigger than mine. And he can keep his shirt off, and we’re doing the same thing, sitting in the sun. I’m like, ‘You say it’s a sexual organ, but it’s not.’ We’re not sexualizing it.”

As per WCCO, Paula Chesley thinks it’s creepy:

“It does make you feel uncomfortable to just think like, ‘Oh, how often am I being watched?’ And what kind of authority is going on here?”

And what of fairness:

“I think it’s really silly that people of all genders with all sorts of breasts can’t show them.”

The boob-bombarding drone program is being employed, I kid you not, across the Twin Cities:

Minnesota’s got a lot of naked talk going on as of late. As I covered Wednesday, Minneapolis’s Park Board has begun a vote to let women frolic sans shirts at public parks.

The city already allows toplessness downtown and most all around.

But if you’re at Twin Lake — at least for now — the next time you think of sunning your whole self, think twice: As kinky as it sounds in this case, Big Brother’s watching.

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

They Defunded the Police, Now What? Minneapolis Park Board Votes on Allowing Women to Go Topless

Bigwig San Fran Art Curator Steps Down After Ensuring, ‘We Will Definitely Still Continue to Collect White Artists’

Again, for the Win: Ricky Gervais Completely Demolishes Cancel Culture

Find all my RedState work here.

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