AP featured image
FILE – In this May 11, 2005, file photo, people enter AMC’s Studio 30 theater in Olathe, Kan. AMC Theatres, the world’s largest movie theater chain, has unveiled a $20-a-month subscription service to rival the flagging MoviePass. The theater chain on Wednesday announced a new service to its loyalty program, AMC Stubs, allowing subscribers to see up to three movies a week for a monthly fee of $19.95. (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner, File)

 

I’ve got some big news, and it’s coming to a theater near you.

Given the immense lockdown relegating Americans to their homes for several months now, the country’s learned some valuable lessons.

For starters: Dress codes are a crock; you can get just as much done in your Underoos.

via GIPHY

Secondly, commuting is for the birds: Working from your nest is equally productive.

But what about entertainment? Do you still feel the need to get gussied up, drive across town, and plant yourself into a wobbly chair with a bunch of rude people while they talk incessantly and look at their phones?

I mean, do you still need to go to the movies?

AMC’s about to find out: Glory Be, theaters are opening back up, Jack!

On Thursday, the cinema giant announced it’ll soon be swinging its doors for the first time since the pulverizing pouncing of the pandemic.

More than 100 locations will reopen August 20th. Over the following couple weeks, 300 more will let you do exactly what Annie did above (or your best shot at it) — after getting the green light from state and local officials.

But will anyone go?

Can you even get in the car anymore, with those bed sores from binge-watching NCIS?

Have people gotten too used to the squishiness of their sofas and the fluorescence of their flatscreens?

Orville Redenbacher surely hopes so.

But AMC’s here to butter you up.

The company’s website reports cinemas’ first day’s screenings will offer “Movies in 2020 at 1920 Prices”:

“Celebrate a century of movies at AMC with 15¢+tax tickets to any movie on Thursday, August 20! Hurry — get your tickets online now before they sell out!”

I’d say there’s a fair chance folks are fond of their homegrown cleanliness compared to the public trough from which society’s most repugnant pigs feed. On top of that, there’s the confounding COVID thing. So why go out?

AMC’s got you covered — these days, a trip to the movies is “Safe & Clean.”

“On your next [theater] visit, you’ll notice that we’ve taken steps to reduce touch points and protect your safety, including simplified menus for shorter lines at concessions and reduced auditorium capacities for social distancing. Here are the key policies we’ve put in place.”

AMCTheatres.com features a video message — from President and CEO Adam Aron, no less — inviting you to “discover the differences you can expect to see when you return to [the cinemaplex].”

Adam touts “new policies and protocols specifically designed to bring back…guests and the film crew…in ways that are welcoming and responsible.”

He also notes the corporation’s spent “millions and millions of dollars in high tech solutions to sanitation, disinfection, and cleanliness.”

And here’s a snazzy promo line if I’ve ever heard one:

“…Like our ordering of electrostatic sprayers, HEPA vacuums, and MERV ventilation filters.”

Butts in the seats, baby…butts in the seats.

Are you sitting on the edge of your mattress?

AMC surely hopes so.

So what’s the verdict? Will you go back to America’s once-favorite place — the cinema? Or have you decided the girl in that one movie was right: “There’s no place like home”?

Let us all know in the Comments section.

As for myself, Hollywood here I come — I just hope they’ve added ejection seats, so I can help someone meet the stars if they won’t shut up.

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

After Walking Around with Two Constructed Vaginas, Man Identifying as Woman Gets New Single Vagina Made from a Fish

Little Seizures: People Freak Out Over Domino’s ‘Karen’ Promotion, So It Caves to the Woke and Eats Humble Pie

Because Toddlers Demand It: Barbie Unveils Its New Politically Active Doll and Her All-Female Staff

50 Years After Disastrously Dynamiting a Sperm Whale, Oregon Opens Its ‘Exploding Whale Memorial Park’ (VIDEO)

Find all my RedState work here.

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