This time around, it’s the Democratic Party’s turn for a dumpster fire of a primary and, holy cow, are they delivering.
Although, as of this morning, there were 22 candidates in the field, they are mostly so generic that they’re difficult to keep straight. To help you remember who’s who, I’ve matched each candidate with his or her perfect Taylor Swift lyric.
Here we go, in order of popularity.
Everybody here wanted somethin’ more
Searchin’ for a sound we hadn’t heard before
–Welcome to New York
As the current frontrunner (polling at 29%), things are looking pretty good for former VP Joe Biden. Then again, at the rate his own party seems to be trying to take him down, maybe he’ll just crash and burn. That left me with one perfect choice.
So it’s gonna be forever
Or it’s gonna go down in flames
You can tell me when it’s over
If the high was worth the pain
You probably won’t have to write him in a blank space, baby. It’s looking pretty good he’ll be on the ballot. Then again, it’s early days.
Bernie Sanders is only a few points behind Biden at 23%, begging the question- will America really go full socialist? We all know Bernie only puts a D after his name every 4 years when he wants to make a run at the White House.
We also know that socialism has failed every time it’s been tried. Every. Single. Time. And failed miserably. With lots of dead people and the eating of household pets and zoo animals to stay alive.
Then again, we’re talking about a guy who took his honeymoon to communist Russia. He’s got a pretty skewed sense of a good time.
Still, Bernie voters thinks his ideas sound good and forget to think about reality. They’re like:
My mind forgets to remind me
You’re a bad idea
While Biden and Bernie are up at the top, Kamala is lagging quite a bit behind in third place with only 11%. A lot of her platform is about the idea that there are people who have things that other people want and that just isn’t fair.
She wants to spread that wealth- especially by bribing black voters with government goodies (paid for by you, the taxpayers). She says she wants to look into reparations, but has promised to spend $100 billion to help black families buy homes. Look what you made her do.
The world moves on, another day, another drama drama
But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma
And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure
Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours
–Look What You Made Me Do
Hot on Kamala’s heels is Elizabeth Warren, also polling at 11% (but slightly behind her in likely voters, putting her a spot behind). Remember the time Warren told everyone she was Native American, took a DNA test to prove it and…very much wasn’t? That was just one of the many times she was awkwardly fake.
Since then, we’ve been forced to endure livestreams of her drinking a beer (which appeared to be her first), interacting with her husband (which also seemed to be a first), and otherwise trying to act like the regular folks she hopes will vote for her.
In fact, being super phony is probably the #1 thing that differentiates Elizabeth Warren from a field with largely the same platform.
There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity
He loves to go by “Mayor Pete” to keep that down home Indiana folksy vibe, but he can’t wait to leave that behind and get to Washington, DC. He’s polling at 4%, so that’s not looking likely, but who can blame him?
He was mayor of South Bend, Indiana, a city with crime rates nearly double the national average, and I have a feeling he ca’t wait to get out of there. With his husband. Because I’m not sure he mentioned it, but he’s gay. When he leaves, he’ll be playing this song:
This is a big world; that was a small town
There is the rear-view mirror disappearing now
What do we know about Amy Klobuchar, other than the fact she’s raking in 2% of the vote? Mostly that she treats staffer like garbage and once ate a salad with a comb. In the face of these revelations, she seems completely unrepentant.
I bet she identifies with this particular lyric:
They say I did something bad
Then why’s it feel so good?
They say I did something bad
But why’s it feel so good?
Most fun I ever had
And I’d do it over and over again if I could
It just felt so good, good
–I Did Something Bad
I almost feel bad for Beto. He was the golden child of the Democratic party when he was up against Ted Cruz in Texas, and they made him think he could be president. Then, he ran for president, and they all turned against him.
Now he finds himself last amongst the candidates polling at 2%, and he’s starting to realize that the left that once courted him so vigorously has been talking about him behind his back. We know just what they’ve been saying.
I used to think that we were forever, ever
And I used to say, never say never
Huh, so he calls me up and he’s like, “I still love you”
And I’m like I just mean this is exhausting, you know, like
We are never getting back together. Like, ever.
We are never ever, ever getting back together
–We Are Never Getting Back Together
You know who else I almost feel bad for? Cory Booker. Everybody thought he was all cool and handsome and charismatic, and he’s completely fallen off the radar. He even randomly started dating a Hollywood actress and promised a White House wedding and is still polling at 1% (and he’s not even the top candidate at 1%).
It’s like T-Swift says:
And I know that it’s long gone
And the magic’s not here no more
–All Too Well
In the middle of the 1% pack, we find Marianne Williamson. Her Twitter feed is full of deep, meaningful, and sometimes inspirational quotes that one would normally find on an influencer’s Instagram.
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard.
Today, Eric Swalwell became the first Democrat to drop out of the race. He was dead last in the poll, just above “other.”
I’m sure his staffers were thinking:
The more I think about it now the less I know
All I know is that you drove us off the road
And the 0% of people voting for him:
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye
But few people are thinking the title of the song- All You Had to Do Was Stay.