Buzzfeed UK editor Kelly Oakes decided to take to Twitter one day and declare that this holiday season, the only gift she wants is “full communism now.”
This was a huge mistake, as Oakes was suddenly subjected to a deluge of backlash, forcing her to lock her account away from the general public. However, actor James Woods was still able to snag a screenshot and remind Oakes that the internet is forever.
— James Woods (@RealJamesWoods) December 17, 2017
While this wish is utterly stupid and indicative of an overabundance of historical ignorance, I see the wish that communism would take over more often than I’d like from millennials, political activists, and Buzzfeed personnel — you may recall Black Montgomery stating that bringing up communism’s hand in the millions on millions of dead it created was a “white nationalist talking point.”
Needless to say, Oakes’s wish that communism would conquer the world isn’t going to come true, especially here in the U.S.. However, in the Christmas spirit I’m going to show her a way she can attain what she seeks.
I’m not going to do something so simple as suggest she leave for a communist state. She surely could, but like every other pro-communist American, they’re too comfortable in their capitalist system to sacrifice anything and leave.
Instead, and I’ll speak directly to Oakes now, please take these following steps.
Buy a house, and appoint a person to rule over you completely, preferably a male. Feel free to invite others into this arrangement as well. Sign contracts that state that you are unable to release yourself from this type of lifestyle for as long as you live, or as long as he lives.
You may be confused about why one man is in charge, and the house doesn’t rule by consensus. It is because every commune, no matter how small or large, needs a leader with which to settle disagreements, and oversee the common welfare of the communist economy you now live in. You can’t spend all of your time dealing with the nitty gritty of the house. He can. It will be his full time job.
That said, it is to this man that every dime you make from your work will be given. Don’t worry, you’ll still be paid, but it will be the amount approved by the man in charge.
Now, per your new economic system, you’ll find yourself and your communist colleagues sharing the money each of you make. You may find that some of your colleagues (maybe it’s you) don’t work as hard as the others do, yet still make the same amount. This will anger you and your fellow communists, but rest assured, you’re now all equal in outcome just like you wanted.
You may find over time that the man you put in charge will begin cutting your pay back in order to make “improvements” to the home you all live in. These improvements may be anything from him needing a new desk for his work, a new chair to sit in, or a new gaming system to take his mind off of his stressful job. Don’t worry. It’s all for the good of the people.
You may also notice that he starts to pick favorites among you. You’ll notice they may get more money, or have more benefits. You won’t think it’s fair in a system where everyone is equal, but perhaps the leader believes these people to be more valuable to the advancement of the people. Just be happy that you live in such a place where that kind of wisdom is guiding you.
As the leader “improves” things on behalf of you and your housemates, things may start to become a bit expensive. Don’t be surprised if his wisdom requires you to make some sacrifices. Perhaps you’ll have to share a room with two or more people in order for the house to maintain a solid economic footing. Don’t be surprised if your pay is scaled back. Don’t be surprised if your meals have to become less lavish. Don’t worry, this is the worker’s paradise you’re living in!
Now, some people may become so hungry that they steal from others, or attempt to cheat the rest of the house. This will cause massive problems for everyone, so don’t be alarmed when the leader appoints some of your house members as a sort of police. Don’t worry, they’re just there to enforce the laws of the people’s house.
At some point you may be visited by these police to make sure you didn’t steal anything, or do anything wrong. Never fear. If you have done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide. Just allow them to go through your things peacefully, and everything will be okay!
You may realize one day that there are some members of the house who don’t suffer from cutbacks and searches like you do. They’re usually in with the leader. They’re very nice to him, and in return they seem to have it easier. You might bring that up, but the only thing you’ll get for your alarm raising will likely be more searches by the house police, or maybe a bit less pay. It’s not that the leader hates you. He loves you, but you need to learn that causing problems in the house is too dangerous. Stability must be maintained!
People may notice this and begin to treat the leader like some sort of king. They’ll praise him when he doesn’t deserve it, or even when he’s being unfair to them. This may upset you, but remember, this is the will of the people! Maybe you should give sucking up to the leader a try! It may help you get a leg up!
At some point you may get sick. The leader may have to weigh how much medical care you receive based on your importance. If too much is spent on you, it would be unfair to everyone else, and severely drain the coffers. In an equal society, you may find yourself having to power through on a rationing of Advil or holistic medicines. It’s okay, though! This suffering is all for the common good!
Now, Ms Oakes, don’t be alarmed if sometimes the house police begin to take some of your things. Perhaps it’s for a good reason. Perhaps it’s too lavish a thing, and others don’t possess it. Perhaps the leader needs it, or it should belong to the house. Be sure to freely give whatever the police require of you up with a smile. This is full communism, mind you!
If those police believe you’re hiding something from them, don’t be surprised if they resort to harsher measures to get you to talk. Don’t be alarmed, it’s not just you. They also questioned another member of the house harshly. They likely said you had or did something you shouldn’t. That may or may not be true, but the police need to be sure. The leader demands it, and he’s great! Remember?
You may be screamed at, or threatened. They may hit you. They may do things to your body you may not enjoy. This is all a part of full communism, though. So you’ll just need to remember that you’re in the paradise you so longed for as you property (you have none, remember?) and body are violated. Oh, and don’t try to raise an alarm about your treatment, it might result in more questioning.
You can probably look forward to all these things and more in your full communist paradise. Just follow the the guidance I’ve given you here, and you’ll have everything you hoped for!
Have a great time, Miss Oakes.