My name is Dominick Casserontonio. I work for Earl’s Oil in Brooklyn. (The way we say it sounds like ‘Oil’s Earl’, but I digress)…

Let me tell ya something; I was friggin’ watchin’ the TV last night and I heard about that actress from that dopey Shakespeare movie, what’s her name—oh yeah—Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, she’s not acting anymore, for it seems she has now gone friggin’ completely koo-koo-for-Cocoa-Puffs in the head.

Out in Los Angeles (go figure), she runs this company called GoopWhat’s a Goop you ask? I don’t know, but they did this health-spa thing the other day that featured some real nutso treatments. Here’s what they offered:

CRYSTAL THERAPY

Our resident goop shaman has an uncanny ability to identify the crystal you need most in your life.

What in the hell is this? I mean, what’s a friggin’ Goop Shaman? Some guy is going to identify a crystal that I need in my life? The only Crystal I thought I needed in my life was Crystal Rodriguez. I was eighteen and she was a stripper down at the friggin’ Raven’s Nest Bar & Grill.

AURA PHOTOGRAPHY

If you’ve never had your aura (i.e. the electromagnetic field surrounding the body) photographed, you’re in for a visual treat with guest Radiant Human.

Let me get this straight… somebody named Radiant Human takes your picture and sees an electromagnetic field around it? Los Angeles is still on the planet earth right?  And what kind of friggin’ crappy camera is this? When I was a kid we did something like this—we cut out an ad from the back of our comic books, stuffed a dollar into an envelope, and three weeks later got back our X-RAY SPECS.  They told us you could see through peoples friggin’ clothes, but of course it was friggin’ fugazy. I wonder if this Radiant Human is pullin’ the same crap?

SOUND BATH

NYC-based certified sound therapy practitioner and meditation teacher Sara Auster invites you to sink into the sounds of crystal singing bowls, and feel their calming effect at a cellular level.

You have to pay to take a bath in sound? The ‘crystal singing bowls’ calm you down to a ‘cellular level’? Lemme ask you something Gwynny; have you ever sat in front of a 1934 vintage boiler that was just about to let go? Ever known what it’s like to be three inches away from red-hot metal, staring at a pressure gauge that’s pinned? Ever hear nuts and bolts creaking, stretching and singing out your funeral song? Sweetie, that affects you down to a cellular level, I can assure you.

To get all of these treatments at the Goop thing you had to shell out fifteen-hundred smackers. You know how many oil burners I have to fix to make fifteen-hundred? I don’t know Gwyn baby, to each his own, and to thine own self be true and all of that, but baby-cakes; I think you might have eaten some friggin’ laced Kale.

No… wait… you know what?  I take that back.  I just went on your web site and noticed you sell clothes too. $425 Jeans, $672 blouses– $2390 for a coat! Toots, I gotta hand it to ya—I was wrong—you ain’t koo-koo, you actually seem like one shrewd friggin’ broad. I think you’ve found your niche and are taking suckers as fast as you can. People are handing you the friggin’ dollar bills and you are snappin’ them right up. Ha— you know what? I’m thinkin’ I kinda like you… know why? You remind me of my old heart-throb, Crystal Rodriguez.