This one is for all the curmudgeons, cranks, grouches, malcontents, sourpusses, bellyachers, crab asses, and grumps. What good would it be to have a holiday where the all of the articles and blog posts were dedicated to the happy people? I happen to be one of the happy people, but I don’t look down on the grouches. I embrace them and all their pettiness. It is, after all, the holiday season. It officially kicks off on Thanksgiving and to celebrate those who will grumble all day, I offer you the five things for which I am not thankful:
1. ‘How To Talk To Relatives’ Thanksgiving think pieces – I hate these stupid articles with the heat of 1,000 suns. The reason being, is they are more often than not written by some liberal millennial douchebag with poor social skills who cannot have a conversation about anything without a political context. If a discussion about great moments in football started, this person would inevitably ask, “Can we talk about the societal implications of Colin Kaepernick not standing during the national anthem?” GO. AWAY.
2. Black Friday sales starting on Thanksgiving Day – Dude, WTF? It’s bad enough people get crushed trying to get into WalMart to get that waffle maker for $5 they’re never going to use. But now they’re intruding on the Thanksgiving holiday itself to satisfy the insatiable desire some have to run around like maniacs buy crap they’d never purchase simply because it’s 70% the regular price? Call me a traditionalist but I feel sorry for all of the retail employees who have to deal with those maniacs. I’m a capitalist, but cripes. Let them enjoy the day off.
3. “Alternative” forms of great Thanksgiving Day food – You can take your cauliflower “mashed potatoes” and stick them where the sun doesn’t shine, ok? I love cauliflower but the people who say, “It tastes like potatoes!” ARE LYING TO YOU. Also, get that vegetable gravy out of my face, and if you dare to invite me over to eat Thanksgiving dinner and set a Tofurkey (yes this is a REAL thing) on the table, I’m going to burn your house down. Well…I probably won’t go that far, but I will certainly be thinking about it. If you want to be a vegan, go right ahead! But don’t ruin it for the rest of us.
4. Working on Friday – Admittedly, my profession has changed that “going to work” means walking downstairs into my home office. Still, it doesn’t alter the fact I had to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving for years. The people who give their employees the day off after Thanksgiving are the salt of the earth. The rest are just jerks. Granted, I worked in retail for four years before moving to writing full time, and with Black Friday that changes things but in most cases, it is a JOKE. Nobody is there. Phones aren’t ringing, and bosses wind up telling staff to leave early. SO WHY BOTHER AT ALL?
5. The Thanksgiving Day guilt-trippers – It’s freaking holiday, and I want to celebrate it, ok? I don’t need dips**ts like ‘Avengers’ director, Joss Whedon, pontificating about what we “stole” from Native Americans. I don’t want to see your photos of hungry people from around the world, reminding me of what they don’t have. You know why? The day before you didn’t care about that starving kid when you were shoving a Five Guys burger down your gullet. Yes, we are all we aware of starving children around the world. Just stop reminding us when we’re pissed off there’s no more stuffing, ok?
And there you have it, grumpy people. A list just for you. Make sure you share this on Twitter, Facebook and everywhere else. And don’t give me your sighs. Just do it.