Greetings from the sports desk located somewhere below decks of the Good Pirate Ship RedState. Sammy the Shark and Karl the Kraken are currently practicing their deep-sea maneuvers with good cause, as frankly, it’s too cold at the surface to do much of anything. So I’ll do the reporting today.
The NFL, also known as the only thing anyone watches on TV anymore, initiates its 2024 postseason this weekend with six games spread over three days. While the top teams in each division, namely the Baltimore Ravens and San Francisco 49ers, enjoy the weekend off, everyone else is in a tussle to reach the second round. Today’s games, in order:
Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans — NRG Stadium in Houston, having hopefully by now chased all the celebrating Wolverines out of the facility after last Monday’s college football championship, finds itself hosting a playoff game for the first time since 2019, which was also the last time Houston made the playoffs. The Texans’ return to relevancy primarily comes courtesy of rookie quarterback C.J. Stroud, a remarkable young man on and off the field. His skill has offset a below-average ground game, while the Houston defense has been strong against the pass and stingy in allowing points scored against, although they are not stout against the run.
Meanwhile, Cleveland remains everyone’s favorite fútbol telenovela. This year’s drama centered around the last-man-standing competition at quarterback. The venerable Joe Flacco, who started the season playing catch with the kids in the backyard, presently mans the position. He has thrown more interceptions (8) than the number of games in which he has played (5), yet the Browns won the last four games he was in to secure their playoff spot. Statistically, Cleveland is average on both sides of the ball, yet finished the season an impressive 11-5 which included a victory over the 49ers. This game should be above-average entertainment.
Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs — As I mentioned earlier in the column, Brad Slager recently wrote that the only thing anyone watches on broadcast television anymore is football.
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Add to this the social phenomenon known as Taylor Swift. It’s little wonder why NBC decided to put this game solely on its Peacock streaming service, thus guaranteeing literally millions of Swifties screaming at mom and dad to subscribe RIGHT NOW so they can catch the inevitable glimpses of their heroine heavily bundled against the Kansas City cold; more on that in a minute. It’s also sleazy, slimy, underhanded, and a disservice to football fans everywhere who enjoy watching Patrick Mahomes and Tua Tagovaiola go at it regardless of who their favorite team is and where in the country they reside. Postseason games in any major sport should never be restricted viewing. Ever. In my not-so-humble opinion. But, we are talking about NBC, those wonderful people who bring you NBC “News.” What else can one expect?
The second element going into this game, aside from those minor details known as players, coaches, and related topics thereof, is the weather. The forecast for Kansas City tonight is wind chill reaching down to possibly -40°. That is legitimately lethal. According to the fine folk at the Mayo Clinic, frostbite can occur in less than 30 minutes when skin is exposed to wind chill of -16.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Common sense says that -40 degrees is substantially colder than -16.6 degrees. Naturally, the NFL wouldn’t dream of moving the game to a neutral site like, say, SoFi in Los Angeles, where the locals are currently bundled up against a predicted high today of 64 degrees. Yes, it’d be a logistical pain in the posterior, but it would mean the NFL actually gives a rip about player and fan safety … oh, who are we kidding?
Anyway, there will be a game played, weather notwithstanding, no matter how few are left standing against the elements. Were this a title contest, it would be the Underachievers Bowl. The defending Super Bowl champion Chiefs have looked quite mortal this year, with receivers that couldn’t catch a cold on an elementary school playground in December, let alone a football. Even Travis Kelce has apparently spent too much time either filming commercials or caressing his girlfriend you-know-who instead of catching the pigskin. Kansas City won the AFC West by default this year, but they don’t scare anyone.
Miami needs a lead psychiatrist. At times, the Dolphins have looked unstoppable. Other times, they couldn’t stop a determined Pop Warner squad from running up the store. Tagovaiola has managed to keep his head attached all season and has compiled gaudy numbers, while wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been spectacular. But that defense … yeesh. The hottest betting line on this game is which will transpire with greater frequency: a wide-open Chiefs receiver dropping a pass or shots of some drunken fan in the stands with his shirt off.
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