When it comes to oysters, most people never get beyond the question, “Do oysters do anything other than sit on a plate looking like phlegm?” But RedState readers being (mostly) of above average intelligence, I’m sure some of you have spent some sleepless nights pondering the question, “Do oysters fart?” 

Apparently they do. We know this because of Science! for which we thank Neil Degrasse Tyson. Peace be upon him.

And since science tells us oyster farts are a real thing, we know they cause climate change, just like virtually everything else in the known world. Remember if you want to appear “woke” it’s best to assume that everything causes climate change and climate change causes everything. Everything bad anyway.

Plans to expand aquatic farming could have a serious knock-on effect on climate change, climate experts have warned after new research revealed that underwater shellfish farts produce 10% of the global-warming gases released by the Baltic Sea.

A study published in the Scientific Reports journal shows that clams, mussels and oysters produce one-tenth of methane and nitrous oxide gases in the Baltic Sea as a result of digestion. Therefore, researchers have warned that shellfish “may play an important but overlooked role in regulating greenhouse gas production”.

Methane and nitrous oxide gases have a far greater warming potential than carbon dioxide so bodies of water without or with fewer shellfish record lower methane release rates.

Of course the oysters themselves aren’t to blame. Human beings are the real culprits because oysters can’t pay taxes or give out grants for studies of their farting.

The study authors insisted that although these creatures have been releasing greenhouse gases for millions of years without a noticeable impact on the climate, things could change now because of the growing human population, its impact on the environment and the plans to increase aquatic food production.

I grew up in Maryland and have spent a lot of time on or around the Chesapeake Bay, well known for its oysters. The writings of the first explorers to investigate the bay speak of an enormous abundance of fish and shellfish, far greater than what exists today. This makes sense because more and more people harvesting that biomass is bound to result in less of it remaining there at any given time. I would imagine that’s the case in any body of water where oysters thrive.

Does oyster farming cause the number of farting oysters on the planet to exceed the number that existed before humans showed up with vodka and Tabasco Sauce? I’m guessing it doesn’t, but I’m also guessing that Science! hasn’t bothered to ask the question.