Kevin Spacey is in a lot of hot water. Besides the accusations of harassment from actor Anthony Rapp, Spacey has also been accused of exposing himself to a British bartender and trying to force physical contact. Employees of the famous Old Vic Theater in London (where Spacey served as the artistic director from 2004-2015) have accused Spacey of sexual harassment and claim the theater directors ignored numerous complaints. The theater has since set up a tip line for any employees past or present who wish to report their own stories of harassment by the House of Cards actor.

Suddenly the weird story about Spacey getting mugged in a London park in the middle of the night while he was “walking his dog” starts to make a bit more sense. If Spacey’s the “cruising” type (and it looks like he is) then his bizarre explanation of his injuries makes more sense as just an awkward cover-up of a random hook-up gone bad.

Now it looks like Spacey must have received the “Mitigating the Damage After You’re Outed as a Hypocritical, Creepy Sex Perv” memo going around Hollywood right now. Oh, you’ve never seen it? Here are the finer points:

1.Issue a brief statement of apology, preferably in a tweet. The second best option is a statement through the New York Times as they are typically a safe space for hypocritical creepy sex pervs.

 

2.In said statement, be sure to hit the most important talking points.

A) Memory loss – you don’t “recall” anything

 

B) Vague apology for the behavior that you surely don’t recall. Don’t admit the behavior but apologize for the behavior that you’re not admitting. Be sure to convey how appalled at yourself you are that you would ever think to do the thing you definitely don’t remember doing.

 

C) Explain how much you love and respect women. Remind everyone that your mother was a woman and your favorite people are women and you work with women…so many women! All the women everywhere!

 

3.If your offense was legally questionable, remind people of what a good person you really are by becoming a social justice warrior. Take on the NRA, donate a large sum of money to Planned Parenthood, #Resist.

 

4.If your offense was of the gay persuasion, come out of the closet very publicly. Don’t forget your cape…you’ll be a hero, after all!

5.Go to sex rehab or behavioral rehab or just a hotel called Rehab. Do it and do it quickly.

Well, the House of Cards actor has thus far crossed at least four items off his sex perv damage control checklist and it looks like he’s going to finally finish off the list. On Thursday Spacey’s representative issued a statement saying the actor and producer would be seeking help for…something.

“Kevin Spacey is taking the time necessary to seek evaluation and treatment. No other information is available at this time.”

No need to belabor the point, I suppose.

If things keep going at this pace there will be no one left in Hollywood to keep the lights on. They’ll all be in rehab.