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FILE – In this Tuesday, Jan. 10, 2017, file photo, Elizabeth Long, a Smoothie Stop employee, pours a smoothie at the YMCA in Charleston, W. Va. On Wednesday, Feb. 1, 2017, payroll processor ADP reports how many jobs private employers added in January. (Sam Owens/Charleston Gazette-Mail via AP, File)

 

When it comes to healthy living, are you a baller?

If so, boy have I got an elixir for you.

In this age of coronavirus concern, you can’t take too many precautions.

So seemingly believes vegan personal trainer Tracy Kiss, who’s come upon a secret weapon in the war against COVID-19.

Vice UK reports the 32-year-old drinks a dose of semen every day to keep herself tip-top.

And good news: So can you.

As explained in a video posted to YouTube, her discovery of the life-giving liquid was a stroke of luck. But initially, the attraction was only skin-deep:

“I looked into the health benefits of semen for skin use, as I have rosacea, which is a sensitive skin issue. I could have flare-ups with a red face, a hot face, a burning face. … Something that I came across was the use of semen to treat skin complaints.”

Where’d she get the idea? From a Tinseltown touting of the tonic:

“[I]t was something that a Hollywood actress — Heather Locklear — spoke about in the press at the time.”

Witness:

Tracy recalled, “I asked my skin practitioner, and she said to me, ‘Do you know what? It’s natural; give it a go.'”

Her reproductive remedy worked like a charm:

“[I]t was amazing for me. It made my skin so soft, so healthy, so fresh. And reduced the symptoms of rosacea.”

The biological balm had her covered, but she was hungry for more information:

“Looking into the health benefits of semen, I then discovered that it’s not just good for your skin, but it’s also good to be digested. This is something that’s been studied worldwide, [through] universities and independent researchers that do so much work on the benefits of natural products, especially semen.”

The health blogger shook up her daily routine, and it felt great:

“Not many people realize that semen is actually very good for you.”

And shortage is never a concern:

“It’s something that we all have in our daily lives. If you are of adult age, you will come across it.”

GNC, you’re canceled:

“Each teaspoon contains over 200 vitamins and minerals, including protein. It’s also nature’s very own free multivitamin. You don’t have to spend money on it… (It’s) something that we can get very readily available and is there for us to use rather than waste. And I think if a lot more people knew the benefits of consuming semen, they definitely would treat it as the precious entity that it is.”

Plus, here’s something for all you sad sacks:

“It also helps to naturally fight depression. It relaxes you.”

But most importantly, perhaps, the manly medicine’s a pandemic powerhouse:

“[I]t’s an immunity booster. … The immune system is something we can use as a line of defense against cold and flu-like symptoms, as well as illness and disease.”

Now that you’re sold, you’re probably asking — “How do I store it?”

Just check out her video, “Stockpiling Semen to Fight the Coronavirus,” and you’ll be stashing that sperm like it’s Y2K.

But don’t forget about freshness:

“Consuming [it] as close to production as possible is when you are going to get the most benefits from it. However, if you are looking to have this at a later time…for long-term suitable storage, I would recommend freezing semen in ice cube trays. … This can be added to cold drinks, smoothies if you wish to disguise the taste, or even consumed as an ice cube — much like you would an ice lolly.”

For those of you standing in your kitchen right now, half-embarrassed, half-ashamed, and only halfway to healthiness, get a load of Tracy’s “Simple Semen Smoothie Recipe.”

And here’s a relief:

“Seeing as there is no dairy or animal produce in this, this is suitable to vegans.”

So where does Tracy get her supply?

Meet the modern milk man:

“When my boyfriend…drops semen to me, he leaves it on the doorstep — drops it on the doorstep and leaves. And I’m able to collect it from the doorstep.”

Help is only an asked favor away: “This is something that we can all stockpile at home. Especially during quarantine. I would recommend either seeking your partner or a male associate.”

There ya go.

Hence, for all you health nuts who’ve been practicing your swing on deck and waiting to hit a holistic home run…baby batter up batter up, baby!

In the world series of germ warfare, a glandular grand slam is just a smoothie away.

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

Party Like It’s 1799: Cops Bust Up an Amish Barn Bash for Violating Ohio’s Stay-at-Home Order

Tail of the Sea: Man Complains of Stomach Pain, Doctors Find a Large Fish in His Rectum

50 Years After Disastrously Dynamiting a Sperm Whale, Oregon Opens Its ‘Exploding Whale Memorial Park’ (VIDEO)

Find all my RedState work here.

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