AP featured image
Revelers celebrate in Times Square in New York, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2019, during a New Year’s celebration. (AP Photo/Craig Ruttle)

 

Do you wear your manhood on your sleeve?

Does your forearm have foreskin?

Could you be sued for making a muscle?

If so, you’ve got something in common with Malcolm MacDonald.

For the rest of you, if the 45-year-old British man tells you he pulled something in his arm, it may not mean what you think.

Long ago, a terrible infection in his perineum left him with tainted love: As reported by The Sun, the mechanic’s unmentionables turned black.

His fingers and toes similarly shifted shades, and his darkened digits left him down in the dumps:

“I had struggled for years with [the infection], but I had no idea what could happen. When I saw my penis go black, I was beside myself. It was like a horror film. I was in a complete panic. I knew deep down it was gone and I was going to lose it.”

In 2014, he was proven right — from the dessert menu of misfortune, Malcolm was served a banana split:

“[O]ne day it just dropped off on to the floor.”

That fall gave way to the winter of his discontent.

“I just picked it up and put it in the bin. I went to the hospital and they said the best they could do for me was to roll the remaining stump up like a little sausage roll. It was heartbreaking.”

For the next couple years, the separated father of two “felt a shadow of a man.”

“My life really fell apart, because I had no self-confidence. I drank too much. I didn’t see family and friends — I just didn’t want to have to face up to it.”

But fortune’s pendulum swung: Malcolm found London University College Hospital’s “penis master,” Professor David Ralph.

The genital reconstruction expert had famously crafted a “bionic penis” for Andrew Wardle, who — like an aberrant apple — had been born with no stem.

Dr. David gave Malcolm “a glimmer of hope that [he] could go back to being a normal bloke.”

And since the two-year, $65,000 project wasn’t merely sexual (the procedure would allow him to urinate properly), it would be funded by the National Health Service.

What’s more, Malcom got the extended package — two additional inches.

“They were happy to listen to what I wanted it to be like,” he enthused. “Which was amazing. Not many can say they have a designer penis.”

Lamentably, the designer brand must’ve been Armani: On the minus side of the miracle, the man’s high-fashion phallus would have to be grown on his arm.

From the New York Post:

Surgeons formed a new manhood — with its own blood vessels and nerves – using a skin flap on the left arm of the right-handed man. They created a urethra and installed two tubes inflated with a hand-pump, allowing him to achieve an erection.

Arm, schmarm — finally, he was just like everyone else:

“When I saw it on my arm for the first time, I was so, so proud. After everything I had been through it didn’t feel weird at all — it was just a part of me. I was like any other man, I just couldn’t leave it alone to begin with. I thought it was the best thing ever.”

He named it after his buddies:

“I took to it so much, I nicknamed it ‘Jimmy.’ That was what me and my mates called each other growing up, and this penis was definitely my new mate.”

But his friend wasn’t supposed to be a permanent fixture: The manufactured manpart was meant to be transplanted into his trousers.

However, due to a series of missed appointments, scheduling issues, and now the coronavirus, it’s been four years.

Still, he’s holding onto hope:

“I am determined this penis will be ultimately used for what it was built for.”

In the meantime, the impact must be immense–

Arm wrestling’s out.

And in a tickle fight, steer clear of his funny bone.

But if you need someone to count to eleven, he’s your man.

I just hope he isn’t angry at the world — in a brawl, the guy would come out swingin’.

He’s armed and wangerous. I mean, dongerous.

Sorry — dangerous.

And I’d hate to be on the receiving end of his rear naked choke.

Thankfully, Malcolm appears to be keeping it classy — and let’s hope that includes long sleeves.

Don’t stop believing, big guy. Schedule your surgery, and live a life worthy of three thumbs up.

Or — after the operation — just two.

#PinTheTailOnTheDongkey

-ALEX

 

See more pieces from me:

Party Like It’s 1799: Cops Bust Up an Amish Barn Bash for Violating Ohio’s Stay-at-Home Order

#Throwback Thursday: A Robber’s Master Plan Leaves Him Trapped in a Phone Store ‘Til the Cops Come Calling

In a Heartwarming Video, a Public Worker Serenades a Quarantined 94-Year-Old for Her Birthday

Find all my RedState work here.

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