New Yorker writer Helen Rosner took to Twitter on Monday to ladysplain to you dumb, helpless dudes how you can be better feminists and better support the women in your lives. Hey, men of America – let’s break down your “awakening” point by point…I’ll help.

Clearly most of you men have not thought a lot about supporting your wives and daughters beyond, “Whelp, I guess I won’t sexually harass them. That’s a thing I could not do.”

That’s right. Affirm those men who tell women what the definition of a woman is and isn’t. #Forward

There are two choices in this world for a woman – abortion or forced child bearing. I mean, have you ever heard of a pro-life woman????? Get on board, cavemen! You’re either pro-choice or anti-woman, and if anyone knows it’s Helen. She lives in New York after all. Can you all just be more New York? It’s where all the smart people live.

What? You’re embarrassed to ask your boss if she’ll put tampons in the girl’s room? It’s not like she’s going to think you’re some kind of Harvey Weinstein for asking for free tampons. It’s totally normal. Get over it!

Subsidize all the things!

Don’t prioritize the issues that matter to you as an individual, father, employee, employer, citizen, taxpayer or any other important role you might have in your community. Prioritize genitals and make sure your elected official knows it! Chances are he sees women the same way you do – as walking vaginas.

Just to reiterate – do not ever think of your own interests when voting. Or any black man’s interest or Asian guy’s interest or animal right’s interests. Women are all that matters. How many times do we have to explain this to you?

But I think we already know the answer…you’re in a gay club.

I know it’s a revelation to so many of you who have never met a woman you didn’t want to sexually harass, as men are wont to do being natural-born predators and all.

You know, strong women who aren’t afraid to slut-shame rape victims…people like Hillary Clinton and Whoopi Goldberg. Nothing says “I support women” more clearly than making sure the only legitimate claims of sexual abuse are the ones made against people who aren’t Bill Clinton.

Like Helen and her highly demanding job of typing words on the computer, you have the time and the energy to do this…so do it!

Heh.

No, you shut up. No, YOU shut up! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

But try to avoid manspreading.

Sex and the City is for guys too, you know!

Not attracted to women with penises? Transphobe. Not attracted to overweight women? Fatphobe. Try not to be attracted to attractive women. Think of dead kittens and lonely millennials who write for the New Yorker.

Because everyone knows literally every single dude can only jerk off to porn. All men watch porn. It’s science, obvs.

Intersectionality…got it?

Jerk off to them for a while instead of the porn. See if it makes you a better person.

Helen is now off to write her next twitter column, “How to Use a Fork”.